Coming Soon

Out of all the aspects of the movie-going experience-- the anticipation of seeing a good film, the delicious Sour Patch Kids, the beer (what, your theater of choice doesn’t serve beer?)-- my favorite by far is the previews.

Maybe it’s the tradition of trailers leading up to a movie, despite the fact that they used to actually follow the showing (hence “trailers,” obviously). Maybe it’s because the stupid in-house pre-show trivia that wants to tell me over and over again that Tobey Maguire and Leonardo DiCaprio are BFFs (as if I didn’t know) is finally over. Maybe it's just the build-up of anticipation before the big show begins. Whatever the reason, I love them.

I saw Harry Potter this weekend-- twice, actually (go ahead: call me a nerd; I embrace it). I saw it both times at the same theater, and so of course, sat through the same five previews. And oh, man. What disappointments they were. Let’s review:

The Eagle:
Not a strong start, Coming Attractions. I’d never heard of this movie, which appears to be about Roman soldiers and their slaves and rivers and the colors of the wind or something. I zoned out about 30 seconds in, because you know if Channing Tatum is in something, it’s not really necessary to pay attention (I mean, I know, Step Up 2: The Streets was pretty hard to follow, but I think you can keep up with this one).

I’m not a huge fan of historical battle movies or heartbeat effects in trailers or Donald “Crazy Eyes” Sutherland, so I only perked up for the split-second that I thought Jamie Bell was actually James McAvoy, then slipped back into my state of not-paying-attention.

Cowboys & Aliens:
Okay, I kind of get the appeal. Genre movies are hot right now, for one thing, and this combines two genres. And Han Solo is in it, though he looks more like Indy and thus less awesome. And James Bond, but whatever, I’ve never seen a Bond movie. In any case, I sort of get it.

But the preview is just this kind of bewildering, meandering thing. And it makes me fear that the film itself will feature little more than the titular groups shooting at each other and also, are you kidding me? Aliens have spaceships and laser guns. Why is this not just called Cowboys & The Aliens Who Handily Kill Off All The Cowboys Before Wiping Out Earth’s Civilization In Time For Afternoon Tea? The cowboys don’t stand a chance. Even if Han does shoot first.

Yogi Bear:
Justin Timberlake can do no wrong—or can he? I have a strong aversion to cartoon characters in live action settings (Space Jam, you ruined it for all of us), so I would skip this no matter who voiced the bears. Honestly, is it really necessary to make a film so freaking creepy? Is it just cheaper to make a partially animated feature rather than a full-length one? I mean, the level of creepiness doesn’t come close to that Smiling Dogs commercial, but seriously. Go all or nothing-- either make an entirely animated Yogi Bear movie, or film real-life Grizzlies snacking on PB&Js while water-skiing. Geez. I’m not asking for much.

Red Riding Hood:
They lost me at “By the director of Twilight.’” Although maybe that’s a selling point, after all-- the first Twilight movie was chock full of unintentional hilarity. I even really like Amanda Seyfried, but I just don’t think she’s enough to make me want to see what appears to be a film version of the game Are You A Werewolf that takes itself entirely too seriously.

In any case, expect a full line of Hot Topic accessories to accompany this one’s release. It’s not so bad; I was getting a little tired of vampires, anyway.

Green Lantern:
Okay, this I might see. But not because Ryan Reynolds is in it! Well. Not just because Ryan Reynolds is in it. I tend to dig comic book movies in spite of never having read comic books, and although I couldn’t pick the Green Lantern out of a line-up of other green things (Goblin? Hornet? Giant? They all look the same to me. Is that racist?), I think of all the movies I received sneak peeks of this weekend, this is the only one that might be worth my $8.50.

And that was that. Fortunately for me, these lackluster previews preceded an excellent movie. Besides, while I’ve never tried it, I doubt a theater manager would refund your ticket money because you complained that the previews sucked.

Although really. Having been forced to endure animated bears frolicking in live-action Jellystone with Tom Cavanaugh from Ed? It might have been worth asking.

Note: Sorry for the technical difficulties this week, guys! Please update your bookmarks to http://www.TTTKO.com. Love to you all and happy Thanksgiving!