Sugar & Spice

I may not be the girliest girl there is. I love beer and football, but I also love going shopping and girl talk. I think I strike a nice balance.

But there are some girly things that are just ridiculous. Absurd things. And you know what? We girls know this. I know this. But I participate in them, anyway.

Take GOOP, for instance. GOOP, for the uninitiated and unfamiliar, is potential worst person ever Gwyneth Paltrow’s e-newsletter in which she attempts to foster her image as the Martha Stewart of the new generation, only, like, prettier. Week after week I open this vapid monstrosity to find recipes for searing whitefish, or tummy-toning workout routines from Gwynnie’s personal trainer, or instructions on how to make a cheery holiday wreath from stray socks plucked from the dryer. Week after week my eyes roll back into my head as I hover my cursor over the “Unsubscribe” link, vacillating. And week after week, my subscription to GOOP lives to see another day. What if next week is the week she (or, more likely, her minions) writes about something useful to me? What if I miss it? It’s a thought I cannot bear.

Which brings me, of course, to another girly trait that I recognize as ridiculous but cannot seem to shake—the art of over-thinking. My mind is a mess of worst-case-scenarios, including the fresh hell in which Gwyneth Paltrow writes about the key to existence and I miss out on enlightenment. The normal part of my brain can identify my faulty reasoning but does nothing to stop the girly lizard-brain part from picking apart every worry, every scenario, every text message, every “We need to talk about something,” every “Can you come into my office for a second?” It’s truly exhausting. And yet it persists.

But not every girlish absurdity I embrace, whether intentionally or not, is a fatal flaw. When I turn on the TV, there’s a 33.3% chance that whatever I flip to will be near embarrassing. My DVR knows better than to miss a week of Gossip Girl or Grey’s Anatomy, and woe be the work that needed to get done before I stumbled upon a marathon of ANTM. I may be rotting my brain but I simply can’t help myself.

And then there’s the girly-girl things I could help, but why bother? Like getting dressed up in cute party dresses even when the occasion and the weather don't warrant it. Sometimes a girl just wants to look pretty, okay? And freezing toes and chattering teeth aren't standing in my way.

For the most part, I’m not complaining. We all have our guilty pleasures and peccadilloes. I think that one of these days I’m going to need to do something about GOOP, though. I just don’t think I’m buying what Gwynnie’s selling.

I Ran (So Far Away)

I've never really been an athlete. In high school gym class, my girlfriends and I would hide out in the bathrooms during weight training or stroll around the track while reading magazines. I played rec league softball in college, but mine was more of an organizational role-- sure, I caught a few balls, hit a few, but I was never a clutch player. And prior to this summer, I'd never run a mile in my life.

But now I'm sort of a runner. Okay, so I took most of August off. And most of September. And really only started running again last week, during which I accidentally underestimated the distance of a particular route and wound up running through East Atlanta in the dark of night. Bad news. Point is, I took up running back in June, and after sporadic training and my first 5K at the end of July, I guess I can officially say I'm a runner.



A lot of people like running because you don't need any equipment-- a pair of shoes and, presumably, clothing, but other than that, you can travel light. I need more than that. Without my iPod strapped firmly to my arm, I'm useless. Being alone with my thoughts is nice and all, but I can do that while lying in bed at night. If I'm supposed to be propelling myself forward at warp speeds in a big circle for the sake of exercise, I need tunes.

I consider myself to have pretty great taste in music. It suits me, at least. But I can't run to Iron & Wine, and Mumford & Sons really doesn't get my blood pumping. You know what does? Ridiculous, utterly ridiculous, pure pop nonsense.

My running playlist features such gems as Ke$ha's "Your Love Is My Drug." Paris Hilton's "Stars Are Blind." Britney, The All-American Rejects, Cobra Starship, and more than several Taylor Swifts. My "power song" on my Nike+ is Christina Aguilera's "Keeps Getting Better." There's something about an auto-tuned, up-tempo Top 40 number that makes me run harder, better, faster, stronger.

So what am I complaining about? Nothin'. I can't really bring myself to feel guilty about these pleasures. The running shoes go on and the girliness comes out, but hey, whatever gets me through that next mile, right?

What do you listen to when you work out? Surely you've got something on your playlist that can out-embarrass mine. If not, maybe you can recommend something a little less ridiculous for me. Ideas?

Trick Or Treat

You know Rule 34? That if it exists, there’s porn for it? Well I’d like to add a corollary to that rule: Rule 34.1—if it exists, someone is wearing a sexy version of it as a Halloween costume.

Now if Mean Girls taught us anything, it’s that once you’re past trick-or-treating age, Halloween tends to be not much more than an excuse for girls to get all dressed up in revealing clothing and call it a costume. Few girls can resist the allure of looking real hot, guilt-free, and it’s fun to dress up. But sometimes, it’s taken a little too far.

Like this, as posted a week or two ago on Geekologie:



Why in the world would there be a sexy Chewbacca costume? Well, because of Rule 34.1, that’s why. There’s surely a sexy Darth Vader costume out there somewhere, and I think we all know what a sexy Princess Leia costume looks like.

Leprechauns are well-known for their sexiness, right? Apparently they can be.



Of course, in this case, the company called it a “Sassy” Leprechaun costume. They’re rebranding.

What about this sassy Viking?



Scandinavia is pretty cold and the sea spray on those big wooden boats can be chilly as well—I know these things; Maelstrom is my favorite ride at EPCOT—so I think she should at least bring a light jacket or a blanket for her legs.

Or one of my favorites-- sassy Robin?



It’s probably a good thing Robin didn’t wear this costume in any of the Batman movies—the gay rumors are bad enough as it is.

Got a sweet tooth? Who doesn’t? Indulge your inner dessert-lover as a sexy Three Musketeers. No, not a sexy Musketeer, of which there are three—I actually mean a sexy Three Musketeers.




Of course, some costumes just really can’t—or at least, shouldn’t—be sexified. I would advise against any of the following, lest you border on inappropriate or at the very least, too ridiculous.

• Sexy Obama
  
• Sexy Chilean Miner
  
• Sexy Dwight Schrute
  
• Sexy Dora The Explorer
  
• Sexy Bobby Cox

As for me, I’m considering doing my tricking and treating as the Hamburglar this year. A sexy Hamburglar? Well, we’ll see. It is Halloween, after all.

Note: Full disclosure-- I've been a sexy nurse and a sexy zebra, and I one day intend to be a sexy Wonder Woman, so I don't judge! I suggest everyone dress as something awesome that they look real hot in. Then we'll all be happy.

A Whole New World

There's a rumor going around that the next TT.TKO debate is going to be over who is the best of the Disney princesses. Well, you're in luck, because that rumor is true. Surely the boys have spent a countless hours thinking about this issue, but as a girl who grew up on Disney princesses and even recently went on a Disney cruise, I thought I'd weigh in on the topic.

According to the Disney princess Wikipedia page, there are nine officially-recognized princesses. Let's see how the line-up looks:

Snow White:
Pros: Proves pale can be in. Tolerates living in a frat house with a bunch of short dudes.
Cons: Weakness for apples. Weakness in general. Seems kind of dumb. "Someday My Prince Will Come."




Cinderella:
Pros: Her dress is pretty. Having a Fairy Godmother seems pretty cool.
Cons: Everything in life is fixed by getting swept off your feet by a prince, right? Also, can't keep track of shoes --> disorganized.






Aurora:
Pros: Sleeping for much of the movie.
Cons: Boring.









Ariel:
Pros: Good singer. Strong-willed. Curious. Has whos-its and whats-its galore.
Cons: Isn't she like 14? Kind of whiny. Also, a ginger, so draw your own conclusions.







Belle:
Pros: She reads. Has my favorite princess song ("Belle [Reprise]," specifically). Strong-willed, longs for adventure rather than a husband. Sees the Beast for who he really is. Marks a turn to more feminist princesses.
Cons: ????



Jasmine:
Pros: Strong-willed again. Headstrong, wants to live her own life. Kind of sassy.
Cons: MC Hammer pants. Will probably be eaten by her tiger at some point.










Pocahontas:
Pros: Another strong one. Based on a true story, so that's pretty cool.
Cons: I didn't really like the movie.







Mulan:
Pros: Kind of a badass. She fights! And dresses up like a dude to do it!
Cons: I didn't really like this movie, either. Yes, that's a valid mark against the princess. Even though Mulan is totally not a princess.




Tiana:
Pros: Good cook. Strong and independent.
Cons: She wants to own a restaurant, and most restaurant owners I've known are pretty lame. Also, this movie has the worst music of all the Disney movies, in my opinion. And again, yes, that counts against the princess herself.





Belle is my clear favorite. I really like Jasmine, and considered her briefly, but then decided that while I prefer Aladdin to Beauty & the Beast, I prefer Belle to Jasmine. Interestingly, both of my favorites are ones who see their non-prince for who he is and fall for him anyway. Most of the others just go for the hot prince. Snow White, Cinderella and Aurora even share a prince-- Mr. Charming. Must be a common surname, right? Or maybe he's just into that kind of thing.

I definitely think the princesses have improved as time has gone by. The early girls are all kind of dull, simpering, boring girls who just want to be swept off their feet by their man. A sign of the times, perhaps, since those films were released between 1937 and 1959. They definitely change along with the role of women in America, and at this point I would say that a marker of a Disney princess is her strong will. Truly, when you think about the more recent princesses as more than just pretty cartoon characters who land their men, they aren't such bad role models. They tend to actually be pretty independent and fight for what they want. Pretty BA, if you ask me.

Of course, no princesses feature in my very favorite Disney animated film. No, that distinction lies elsewhere. Robin Hood is far and away my favorite Disney movie, in no small part because of my well-documented crush on its male lead. He was pretty foxy, if I say so myself. And who can resist that accent? Oo-de-lally, indeed.