An Unapologetic Rebuttal

Oh, snap. I totes got called out in Michael’s most recent post.

I feel compelled to take a moment to defend myself. You see, I’ve always considered myself to be somewhat of a grammar and spelling nerd. I don’t hate the English language; in fact, I kind of love it.

My use of “abbrevs,” then, may not make much sense. I can assure you, I don’t shorten words because I’m too lazy and lethargic to utter that last, difficult syllable. And my IQ is just fine, thanks. I’m also not sure I use these truncated words quite as frequently as is implied. What’s more, I’m not sure I’ve ever used the word “preesh” in any situation that wasn’t intended to aggravate Michael.

Ah, there’s the rub. Sometimes, I live to be obnoxious.

The thing is, it’s a bit of a catch-22. I may say “whatevs” in casual conversation because of the way it makes my friends and peers roll their eyes in amused frustration. But then I catch myself saying it to my parents. Or to total strangers, who have no context for how fascinating and intelligent I really am. And then before I know it, I’m not an ironic “abbrevs” user with a shiteating grin on my face—I’m just talking shit.

Do I sound like an idiot? Maybe. I probably also sound like an idiot when I sing loudly along to Ke$ha songs with friends in my car and look like an idiot when I rock the most brightly-colored neon plastic sunglasses Target has to offer. We all have our little peccadilloes that are so annoying they’re amusing. Don’t worry about it.

But seriously. “Foodie” is out of the question, obvi. I can’t abide that noise.

WTF Abbrevs?

Amy recently wrote an article where she addressed the use of the word “foodie”. While I tend to agree with her assessment, I'm not really sure I trust the source. She is a reliable blogger and knows her stuff (fingers crossed), but Amy is guilty of using “abbrevs” in everyday speech.

For those who may not know what I am talking about, an “abbrev” is an abbreviated form of abbreviation. Yeah, I did it. Abbrevs, however, are not just abbreviations, but are typically spoken and often don’t make logical sense. For some reason, this trend has been picking up amongst twenty-something year-old females. I am here to do what any good blogger should do. I am going to bitch about it.

Let us start with what I find to be the most annoying of them all and that is “presh”. It is so obnoxious I feel like I need to spell it p-r-e-$-h. The word is short for appreciate but it is usually used in place of the phrase “thank you”. I did something nice for you and you thank me by half-assing a word that doesn’t even apply to the situation. YOUR welcome, get it?

There is also “obvi”, short for the term obviously. Can you abbreviate an adverb? Hearing that word actually sparks my right arm into “slap-a-ho” mode. Let me go ahead and clarify that I would never hit a lady unless I was in a “shamwow” scenario but if you say “obvi” I assume you went to Valley High School. BAYSIDE TIGERS RULE! Some other AWESOME abbrevs include: ridic (ridiculous), whatev (whatever), jeal (jealous), tots (totally), probs (probably) and def (definitely). I want to shoot myself in the face with gun that shoots angry chimps that have gloves on that are covered in nails.

Do they hate the English language that much? Hell, if anyone is going to hate the English language it should be Mattie. I say this because I use it repeatedly to rape him during debate in front of a modest public audience. Also, let me clarify Amy is a "light user" when it comes to "abbrevs: and most of this rant has not been directed at her.

Why? Why, abbrev users, do you make yourself seem lazy and your IQ seem about twenty points lower? WHY!?!?!