That'll Do, Pig

We are living in the age of bacon.

Don’t bother denying it. Bacon is the new black. Nothing’s cooler than cool, except maybe bacon. It’s this season’s must-have accessory. No need for a $1,500 Prada purse when you can tote around a few slabs of bacon. It’s the hottest thing to hit the runway this year and it’s a fad we won’t soon forget.

Of course, trend forecasters have been citing bacon fever for a few years now. Gone are the days when delicious, delectable bacon could only be tasted and smelled from your kitchen, or maybe from your upstairs bedroom as it wafted through the house, gently waking you from your pre-breakfast dreams. The future is here, and that future is smoky.

If you ask me, it started with bacon chocolate. I first started hearing of this concoction, I don’t know, two or three years back? It sounded delicious. I’ll mix anything sweet and salty, so the flavor combination of bacon and chocolate sounded right up my alley. This was back before it was available in every gourmet basket from Harry & David and Eckerd’s alike, though, so I never got around to trying it out. To this day, my tastebuds remain in ignorance of the glory that bacon chocolate would (probably) bring to my life.

But today in 2011, there are tens, nay, twenties, of bacon-related products I’ve yet to try.

I’ve wanted to try bacon salt for awhile now. Imagine a bacon cheeseburger without all those pesky extra calories that propel your everyday, average cheeseburger from the “pretty unhealthy” column right over into “ye gods.” I’m no health nut, but I’d sprinkle this stuff on a baked potato and call it a healthy vegetable.

Bacon vodka exists, and frankly, I think it could provide just the bit of oomph my Bloody Maries need. Or it could be disgusting. The world (and I) may never know.

But the world does know what bacon smells like, and you can smell like that, too. If you want. Bacon cologne? I’ll allow it. What could draw me to a stranger in a club quicker than the scent of fresh breakfast meat? It certainly seems like it would be more effective than Axe.

If you want to toe the line of hilarious novelty breakfast meat related products, toss some bacon essence into a funny-shaped candle or something. If you want to completely tumble head-over-feet across the line with a beer in one hand and a slab of bacon in other, you should find a way to actually manufacture J&D’s mouth-watering April Fools Day joke from earlier this month—Bacon Air. They’re selling it for a mere $8.99 a bottle, but the caveat is that it does not really exist. Just think of the money that could be made by filling this delicious niche in today's bacon market.

I’ve seen the future, and the future is smoky.

The Ballad of Love and Hate

Michael spoke in the past about things that have a bad reputation but deserve to be given a chance. Some I agreed with; some I did not (I mean, pro-wrestling? Really?). But there are a number of things that I have an unabashed fondness for that everyone else seems to hate.

1. Ugg Boots
I know, I know. Obviously not everyone hates them. They wouldn't be so popular if that were the case. But the majority of my demographic certainly seems to. And the Ugg corporation didn't do themselves any favors when naming their product. However, I think I look damn cute in my chocolate brown $20 Target knockoff Uggs. The closest to snowbunny chic a girl's ever going to get in sunny Georgia, barring last week's frigid temperatures. I'll wear these 'til they're pried from my cold, dead feet.

2. Black Olives
In this case, I have to wonder if other people simply don't have tastebuds. Black olives are and have always been one of my absolute favorites. They're incredible on pizza, amazing on sandwiches and delicious even eaten as a snack, one tasty pitted olive at a time. But it's like pulling teeth getting anyone to share a pizza with my favorite toppings. Whatever. At least this way, I get it all to myself.

3. Ke$ha (And Her Ilk)
Sometimes I feel like all I ever write about is my passion for pop music. Which is funny, because I honestly don't listen to this kind of sugary, Autotuned concoction all that often. It's just that the universal revile of an "artist" like Ke$ha makes her catchy pop treats all the more appealing to me. I'll be out on the dance floor; watch my beer.

4. Anchovies
I don't know that I'd call this a love quite yet. But I'm falling. It all began with the grilled Caesar salad at The Porter in Little 5 Points, and was exacerbated by the delicious chicken Caesar burgers my roommate and I made a few weeks back. It shouldn't come as any surprise that I've come to adore these salty, savory treats, what with my unending olive love. Our affair is just beginning, though, and I've yet to try them on pizza. I'm sure we'll be taking it to the next level shortly.

5. Dawson's Creek
Everyone most certainly didn't hate Dawson's Creek back in 1997, but it's one of my adolescent favorites that hasn't stood the test of time. Which to me, makes it all the better, since I'm working my way through it armed with only my snarky sense of humor on my other blog, Forehead Revisited. But I'll always have a love/hate relationship with this teen soap that edges towards the love side, and not just because Pacey's so dreamy. I grew up with this show, spending every Wednesday night from ages 12 to 17 glued to the TV. It's a nostalgic love, but I'll always feel a little protective of old favorite show. Even if I do love to make fun of it.

If you hate any of the above, that's fine. More for me. But just know you're missing out. Anchovies really do get a bad rap.

The Last Supper

I have a love-hate relationship with food.

Like many people, I'm carrying around a few more pounds than I'd like, the result of lazy cooking and an unchecked love of really good beer. I'm making a renewed effort to eat healthier right now-- today I even started a food diary, in hopes that I'll be more accountable for what I eat if I have to cop to it later. (Nobody wants to have to type the words, "Dear Diary, today I ate an entire pint of Phish Food.") But it's boring. Cheerios... grapes... a Lean Cuisine. Nothing mouthwatering or even kind of delicious.

So that's why I've spent the past 30 minutes poring over the last meals of 301 Texas death row inmates. It's junk food porn. I've never seen so much deep fried, cheesy, bacony goodness together in my life! (Outside of KFC's Double-Down, of course, or maybe This Is Why You're Fat.)

Most of the requests consist of copious amounts of fried chicken, double cheeseburgers, steaks, tacos, sodas. Enough cake and ice cream to cater a hundred six-year-olds' birthday parties. Nobody got fancy and asked for escargot or Cornish game hen, but then, I suppose you'd lose any traces of pretension when facing death.

Of course, there are a few peculiar requests rounding out the list. One inmate asked for a bag of assorted Jolly Ranchers and nothing else. Not very filling, though I guess it doesn't matter at this point. Another wanted a "fresh lettuce and cucumber salad with light vinegar salad dressing on the side." Interesting time to be watching your figure. And another simply asked for a pot of coffee. I guess he wanted to make sure he was wide awake during the proceedings.

So what would my last meal request be? Not a Lean Cuisine, that's for sure. Maybe black olive and Italian sausage pizza. Kroger brand macaroni and cheese. A couple dozen shrimp, and hey, why not go nuts and toss a few sea scallops in there as well. Ooh, and a Chick Fil A chicken biscuit (let's hope my execution is before 10:30 a.m. because a chicken sandwich isn't going to cut it). And a pack of Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs (no other holiday Reese's products will suffice). And Diet Coke. There will be Diet Coke.