If You Want To Sing Out

Going out to bars is a blast. But whether you're nursing a PBR or a pinot, don't you get a little bored sometimes? Don't you crave an activity with your beers and bar snacks?

You could play a little trivia. Pool, if you're good at that sort of thing, or darts, if you like throwing really sharp things at tiny targets like I do.

Or you could sing yourself some karaoke.

If there's anybody out there who doesn't at least kind of love karaoke, they're probably boring. It's a truly fantastic pastime. Just this last weekend I had the privilege of singing myself some karaoke, out at a bar for a much-needed girls' night. And as could be expected, we were all clearly fantastic at it. But not everyone else was.

There are a few clear karaoke fouls that get committed in bars, night after night, by overconfident or overindulgent amateurs across the country. The number one infraction comes before the singing even begins-- song choice.

Choosing a quality karaoke song is an art. You may think you're selecting wisely, only to bomb three notes in. It's happened to the best of us. What makes a good karaoke song, in my opinion? A handy rule of thumb: Think to yourself, "In spite of wanting to sing this song at karaoke, am I myself really sick of hearing it?" If the answer is yes, definitely don't sing that song. This may eliminate a good chunk of the songbook, but trust me, it's for the best.

As a corollary, can we as a human race agree that anything by Journey should be retired from karaoke bars the world over? Any takers? Scribble "Don't Stop Believin'" on that slip of paper at your own risk.

Me, I love to sing early Beatles-- the upbeat stuff. Cheesy '90s pop can be fun, but you've got to gauge your audience. I like throwing in a little Tom Petty or the odd Huey Lewis & The News-- I've got a soft stop for good old Huey, and particularly for "The Power Of Love." The point is, pick something everybody knows pretty well and yet still isn't tired of. The most fun moments at the karaoke bar can come when an entire roomful of drunks of all ages are singing along with you. You may want your moment to shine, but trust me, the sound of 50 bar patrons drowning out your amplified croak may not be such a bad thing.

Which brings me to another point. There are no A&R guys hanging out at the karaoke bar at one in the morning, looking for the next big star. You're not going to get signed a record deal at this dingy dive, and just because you think you can outsing Whitney, it doesn't mean we want to hear you try. This is not a lounge on the Lito deck of a cruise ship, and nobody likes a karaoke singer who takes themselves just a little bit too seriously. Take it down a notch.

Other tips? Take your hands out of your damn pockets and have a little stage presence. Get drunk-- but not too drunk. If it looks like there are two sets of lyrics on the screen, you may want to sit this one out. Don't try to eat the microphone-- we can hear you just fine.

And like I said. Cool it with the Journey.

Sit Down And Listen

Are you worthless as a human being? Than I have just the thing for you! The AMAZING Pocket Chair!!! For $15 (plus shipping and handling) you can get two compact chairs with carrying cases!!! Are you kidding me?! Is there really a market for this? I am about to take a trip to Rant City and if you don’t want to be apart of the road trip maybe you should close your eyes for a second.


“Tired of standing around?”…. Then sit down. Can you not use your legs properly? Do you have a difficult time putting one foot in front of another? Do you get out of breath just standing in place? Then this chair probably can’t hold your weight.

I mean I know I have had trouble carrying a dozen folding chairs before but that’s when I realize I only have to carry one for me to sit in and be comfortable. How will I survive if I need more than one chair!!??? Oh wait I have two arms.

Take it to the park or the beach! You know because no one wants to be in the sand on the beach. Why the hell would you want to get all sandy when you are on the beach? The pocket chair is truly “A LIFE SAVER"! I had a distant cousin who almost died from not having a place to sit. Wait… what about the ground. Fail.

Who needs to stand in line ever again?! Certainly not the lazy bastard who was clever enough to spend fifteen bucks on a piece of metal they can sit on that fits in their back pocket. Let’s face it if you are struggling to stand while waiting in line you probably need a fire department to get out of your house.

My rant is over. You can open your eyes now. This chair does have practical applications but they did a crappy job showing them. This is a chair that should be marketed toward the camping and hunting market. Suck.

Prohibition II: Electric Boogaloo

The Sunday sales bill looks to be, for all intents and purposes, dead.

For those of you non-Georgia residents, let me fill you in: Our fine state is one of three in the country (the others being Connecticut and Indiana) that does not allow the sale of alcohol on Sundays. Nope, if it’s a Sunday, you can’t get alcohol anywhere in the state—except at a bar or restaurant, but you know, laws aren't supposed to make sense.

In any case, for the past few years Gov. Sonny Perdue swore up and down that he’d veto any Sunday sales bill to cross his desk. Our new Gov. Nathan Deal, though conservative, has gone on record saying that he would not veto such a bill, now famously stating, "I don't drink. I just believe in democracy."

Cue rejoicing on the part of those who value, you know, the right to vote on issues, and the separation of church and state, and all that noise.

As I understand it, the bill currently being discussed allows counties to vote on whether to permit Sunday sales, and would only allow beer and wine, none of that heathen hard liquor. The state House of Representatives passed it real quick, and according to every source ever, the state Senate was gearing up to do so as well.

But then last week it just died. They’re claiming there’s not nearly enough Senate support for it to pass (even though there allegedly was two weeks ago?). Some blame the Georgia Christian Coalition and others blame unnamed eager beaver state Senators who hope to gain higher office someday and don’t want to alienate anyone along the way. Regardless, in spite of a rally at the state capitol a couple days ago and the attitudes of most citizens ranging from “Give me Sunday beer or give me death!” to “What do I care if people can drink on Sundays? Get off my lawn,” it seems like it’s not happening this year.

Okay, so buying and selling alcohol in liquor and grocery stores on a Sunday is illegal. Fine. One could argue that we all choose to live in the fascist theocracy of an ex-penal colony that is Georgia, so that’s the law we’re stuck with.

But why draw the line there? If certain lobbyists and lawmakers get to dictate what’s legal and illegal just because they feel like it, why don’t the rest of us get to enact the laws of our choosing?

I think it should be illegal for Georgia residents to say the word “foodie.” Surely you don’t hear it much down in south Georgia or up in the mountains, but I live in Atlanta and read a lot of food blogs and restaurant reviews, and it kind of annoys me. To be fair, it would suit me to ban “foodie” forever, everywhere, but you can’t make stupid laws everywhere, so Georgia it is. “Foodie” is hereby outlawed.

You know what else should be illegal? Jean shorts on guys. Definitely putting the banhammer down on those. Ooh, and while we’re legislating drink-related issues, I’m going to outlaw restaurants from only serving Pepsi products, because Pepsi is gross. I don’t want to drink it, so nobody should be able to drink it, amiright?

It’s ridiculous that this is even an issue, but it is. There’s still a sliver of hope that the Senate will get their act together and vote on it this legislative season (you know-- vote to let us vote on it), but for now we’ll just have to keep getting our Sunday beers the old fashioned ways—out of our refrigerator, at any bar or restaurant, or at Buddy’s as soon as the clock strikes midnight.

Anger Management

Ever have an angry day?

I don’t mean the kind of day where you feel a little bummed out, or you have legitimate cause to be angry because someone crashed into your parked car right after you got one of those fancy $30 car washes (although as an aside, you know that's a waste of money, right? It's going to rain eventually). I mean one of those days where every tiny little thing just makes you rage.

If you’re like me, there are a number of seemingly-insignificant things that can make you grit your teeth and bite your lip in manic frustration. Things that have made me rage lately include, but are not limited to:

-Knowing a little bit of HTML but not enough to make things on this site look like I want them to even though I know it’s possible and probably even easy.

-Similarly, when I know what I want to do in Photoshop and sort of know how to get there but not enough to actually get there and I'm too stubborn to ask Michael for help.

-This one particular aspect of my job that would be too long and boring to explain, but oh my god. It's yank-out-your-hair aggravating.

-People who absolutely refuse to back down from an argument even when they’re completely wrong. Yes, I do understand the irony here.

-One-word text messages. This probably stems from the prehistoric days when we had to pay 10 cents a message, whether we sent it or received it, but regardless, I have special frustrated noises reserved for people who send out the one-word text.

-Rage comics. They’re just so ugly, and I don’t like to look at ugly things, even on the off chance that they might make me chuckle to myself in agreement. They remind me too much of Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark illustrations, anyway.

-When somebody says that it's hypocritical for someone to order a cheeseburger and a Diet Coke. Bitch, we drink it for the taste. There was even a jingle about that.

-When the weather breaks into the TV show you're watching to tell you there's a slight chance of inclement weather in a county 40 miles south of you. Seriously, weatherman, I don't care. I'm watching House and I just want to know whether or not it's lupus.

And when you have an angry day, one thing just feeds into the next, much like in this oh-so-relevant Hyperbole and a Half comic. Out of cookies? Normally not so bad. But when I've already had an aggravating workday, been called out for loving Diet Coke with non-diet food, and wrestled with Photoshop all while receiving a bevy of one-word text messages? I'd stay out of arm-swinging range if I were you.

Viewing Habits

What's your favorite currently-airing TV show? Please don't say CSI: Hamster Wheel or Dancing With My Parents or anything that comes on USA. I mean, there are a number of acceptable answers to this question. I'm guessing yours is probably okay. But for the most part, America? You're doing it wrong.

TV SHOWS YOU* AREN’T WATCHING BUT SHOULD BE

Parks and Recreation
(Season 3 premieres tonight on NBC at 9:30 p.m.)

Like most low-rated shows that turn out to be fantastic, this one had a slow start. I caught up on Netflix a month or two ago, and initially only kept watching because I knew it was supposed to eventually be good. Turns out, it was.

Amy Poehler plays Leslie Knope with a very Michael Scott-esque exuberance, and while that was initially a frequent criticism of the show, I think her character has developed and diverged enough to where she’s not an imitation. But really, it’s the secondary characters that make this show for me. You can’t go wrong with Chris Pratt, who plays wide-eyed lovable idiot Andy in a way that doesn’t seem like too much of a stretch, like I sometimes feel about Kevin from The Office or Brittany from Glee. They’re too dumb to live, but Andy is just dumb enough.

Admittedly, the addition of my very favorite Party Down refugee, Adam Scott, hurts nothing. (Party Down, of course, being a show that would be on this list if anyone in the entire world actually subscribed to Starz and thus could watch it in a manner that actually contributed to its ratings.)

Listen, I’m not saying just blindly go watch tonight’s episode, because I haven’t seen it and it might suck. Believe it or not, as much as I rant and rave about television, the networks don’t yet see fit to send me screeners. But I think it's worth catching up on.

Cougartown
(Wednesday nights at 9:30 p.m. on ABC)

I’ve written about Cougartown before, as one of my favorite discoveries of 2010. Still true. The fact that there’s so much going against this show—its stupid name; Courteney Cox—and yet it still impressed me says something. It’s by Bill Lawrence, the creator of Scrubs, and I’m not sure that recommends it, either, considering Scrubs' determined downhill trajectory in its last few seasons. But it’s another gamble I took and it paid off.

The thing I like best about Cougartown probably says something about me as a person—I like how realistic all the characters are. I say it says something about me, because the reason they’re so realistic is that they’re kind of mean and judgy and drink a lot. But that’s life, at least around these parts. My friends and I don’t hang out in coffee shops or at the local diner. We hang out at the bar and we laugh when one of our number falls off their barstool—we may help our friend up off the dirty floor, but we still laugh. I feel like there’s a vast disconnect between 20-somethings in real life and 20-somethings (or 30-somethings, as with most of the characters of Cougartown) in media, and so when I find characters who actually act like I act, I dig it.

Also, it’s funny. Don't you like funny?

Friday Night Lights
(Wednesday nights at some time on some DirecTV channel you don't get, then later this Spring on NBC)

If you haven’t gotten around to watching Friday Night Lights at this point, you’re probably never going to. When everyone whose opinion matters raves about a show, and you still think to yourself, “Well, I don’t really want to watch a show about high school football,” then obviously you have other priorities and can move along and enjoy your life. But it will be a cursed life. A half-life. I mean, I don’t want to make outrageous claims like “best show ever created” or even “best show currently on TV,” because that’s a tough thing to say when Mad Men is still on the air. But if I were going to make outrageous, hyperbolic statements about any currently-airing TV show, trust me, it would be this one.

I know you aren’t going to change your mind. But if you did—and you won’t—it could be for a number of reasons. The incredible yet unheralded acting by basically everyone involved. The fact that it’s beautifully shot, or the ridiculously perfect music. The writing? Is amazing. And I can’t remember the last time I made it through an episode without a tear or two, which might deter you, but isn’t that the point of storytelling? To move you?

But now I sound like the Hallmark Channel or something. Moved to tears by television. Whatever; it’s really, really good.

TV SHOWS THAT WOULD PROBABLY BE ON THIS LIST HAD I GOTTEN AROUND TO WATCHING THEM YET, THUS MAKING ME OFFICIALLY PART OF THE PROBLEM

Breaking Bad
Eastbound & Down
Children's Hospital
Community

And then there's the other, more sinister side of the coin:


TV SHOWS YOU* ARE WATCHING BUT NEED TO STOP, IMMEDIATELY

Two and a Half Men

Seriously, don’t you know better by now? At least play the drinking game if you’re going to watch it.

Better With You

I wanted to like this. At least, I kind of did—one of my best friends went to elementary school or something with one of the leads, the sort of cute one. That kind of second-degree connection is what used to make me almost consider watching Private Practice just because I went to drama camp with the guy that died on it that used to play Piz on Veronica Mars. But anyway, I wanted to like this show.

It’s not my fault I don’t. It’s just bad. The jokes are obvious, and not in the way where you can guess the punchline but the delivery is so good that it’s still hilarious like on Modern Family. The plotlines are ridiculous, but not in the unpredictable way of the aforementioned Parks and Recreation. The show is just wildly unlikeable. And yet! It was picked up for a second season! Why did you do this to me?

Mike and Molly

I have to admit that I’ve never actually seen this show. The premise kind of makes my eyes roll—like, ooh, fat people in love! Let’s all laugh and laugh because they’re fat! And also in love! I even liked Melissa McCarthy on Gilmore Girls, but it’s not getting me to watch this show. But really, I’m just tired of the promo they play every week before How I Met Your Mother—where he says, “Watch our new show, Mike—” and she says, “And Molly.” It’s annoying and I’d like it to go away. If you stop watching, maybe it will.


*YOU does not necessarily refer to you, the audience of TT.TKO. If you are already watching quality TV, carry on. If you watch crap TV but only for the irony of it and/or whilst playing drinking games, carry on. If you are the kind of person that says things like, “Teevee? What’s that? Oh, that thing we stack all our books on!” then GTFO because no pretentious douches allowed.

The Ballad of Love and Hate

Michael spoke in the past about things that have a bad reputation but deserve to be given a chance. Some I agreed with; some I did not (I mean, pro-wrestling? Really?). But there are a number of things that I have an unabashed fondness for that everyone else seems to hate.

1. Ugg Boots
I know, I know. Obviously not everyone hates them. They wouldn't be so popular if that were the case. But the majority of my demographic certainly seems to. And the Ugg corporation didn't do themselves any favors when naming their product. However, I think I look damn cute in my chocolate brown $20 Target knockoff Uggs. The closest to snowbunny chic a girl's ever going to get in sunny Georgia, barring last week's frigid temperatures. I'll wear these 'til they're pried from my cold, dead feet.

2. Black Olives
In this case, I have to wonder if other people simply don't have tastebuds. Black olives are and have always been one of my absolute favorites. They're incredible on pizza, amazing on sandwiches and delicious even eaten as a snack, one tasty pitted olive at a time. But it's like pulling teeth getting anyone to share a pizza with my favorite toppings. Whatever. At least this way, I get it all to myself.

3. Ke$ha (And Her Ilk)
Sometimes I feel like all I ever write about is my passion for pop music. Which is funny, because I honestly don't listen to this kind of sugary, Autotuned concoction all that often. It's just that the universal revile of an "artist" like Ke$ha makes her catchy pop treats all the more appealing to me. I'll be out on the dance floor; watch my beer.

4. Anchovies
I don't know that I'd call this a love quite yet. But I'm falling. It all began with the grilled Caesar salad at The Porter in Little 5 Points, and was exacerbated by the delicious chicken Caesar burgers my roommate and I made a few weeks back. It shouldn't come as any surprise that I've come to adore these salty, savory treats, what with my unending olive love. Our affair is just beginning, though, and I've yet to try them on pizza. I'm sure we'll be taking it to the next level shortly.

5. Dawson's Creek
Everyone most certainly didn't hate Dawson's Creek back in 1997, but it's one of my adolescent favorites that hasn't stood the test of time. Which to me, makes it all the better, since I'm working my way through it armed with only my snarky sense of humor on my other blog, Forehead Revisited. But I'll always have a love/hate relationship with this teen soap that edges towards the love side, and not just because Pacey's so dreamy. I grew up with this show, spending every Wednesday night from ages 12 to 17 glued to the TV. It's a nostalgic love, but I'll always feel a little protective of old favorite show. Even if I do love to make fun of it.

If you hate any of the above, that's fine. More for me. But just know you're missing out. Anchovies really do get a bad rap.

You Know What I Hate?

Even if you haven't played it, you're probably at least passingly familiar with Words With Friends-- the no-copyright-infringement-intended app version of Scrabble for the iPhone. It's a great game, in which you play real people on a whenever-you-get-around-to-it basis, and the competition can get a little bit fierce. The rules, however, can get a little bit iffy.

The game apparently utilizes the Enhanced North American Benchmark Lexicon (or ENABLE-- though really, ENABL) for its database of acceptable words, and when you try to play a word not included in the lexicon, the game will let you know with a "Bitch, please" message about your word being unacceptable. Now, I don't know exactly who is responsible for compiling the word list in ENABL, but their vocabulary leaves something to be desired. Often, sometimes several times a game, I'll try to play a word that is totally a word, but that Words With Friends thinks is not, in fact, a word.

"Aren't," for instance. Probably other contractions, as well. The internet informs me that you can't use contractions (or hyphenates, for that matter) in real Scrabble, but that's just lame. They're real words. What else? "TV." Ridiculous. It's a word. I'm watching one right now. "Exwife." I know, I know-- hyphenates, like I said, are unacceptable. "Quo," (as in, "The status is most definitely not quo,") seems to be on the blacklist. "IQ." Abbreviations, at least common ones, should count, if you ask me. "Pogo." Who didn't want a pogo stick as a child? Did the word exist then? I think it did. "Zoltar." (Okay, not allowing the name of the psychic machine from "Big" is probably legit-- but it would've gotten me an awful lot of points.) "Zesto." It's a fast food restaurant; there's one down the street from my house, and it would have made me win the game, damn it. I realize proper nouns are verboten. Whatever; I want to play a game of Scrabble using ONLY proper nouns. That's right; I'm a rebel like that.

All I'm saying is, if you're going to host an off-brand Scrabble game in the internet age, your dictionary is non-tangible. You can add new words all the time. If the Oxford English Dictionary can add "bromance," "frenemy" and "chillax," then I think Words With Friends can handle adding a few words of its own. Seriously, these things need to be taken care of. We can get pretty competitive about this. I know Michael knows what I'm talking about, because I beat him at the game pretty much every time we play. Surely he knows this affliction as well as I do.

P.S. If you just feel like finding out if a word is or isn't allowed in WWF, there's a Word Validator here. There's some weird stuff that's perfectly acceptable.

You Know What I Don't Get?

You know what I don't get? People who say, "I like everything but country."

Well I like everyone except people who have unoriginal answers. Seriously, the only time it is acceptable to answer that way to a question is if you are a 7th grader in a chatroom conversation and the previous question asked was "A/S/L?"

You really like everything BUT county? You like both Rammstein and Susan Boyle? Oh wait! You're full of crap. Maybe the real flaw is the initial question. Nah. By the time you leave high school you should have a list of bands/artists to run through if someone asked you, "What kind of music do you like?"

Hell, what is so wrong with country music, anyway? You may have to search real hard for it, but there is some country on my iPod. Maybe it's because I grew up in the Southeast corner of the US that I have an appreciation for country music. Don't get me wrong; I hate some of it as well. I went to a SEC school, and there is nothing quite like a room full of people screaming, "I've Got Friends In Low Places" with their Southern twangs bouncing off the walls, but do you know what happens next? The song immediately switches to the latest rap song with a catchy beat.

Go ahead and hate country. Won't hurt my feelings. I think country will do all right without you. Personally, I think some people are lying. Here is a fact that I didn't know ten minutes ago but I know now: Garth Brooks is the #2 best-selling music artist in the US, only behind The Beatles. Talk about convenient facts to back up this rant.

How about next time someone asks you about your music interests, you just give them your opinion. If you are really clueless, go run to your Facebook account and read off the music interests you typed up six years ago and have only updated a handful of times.

I like everyone...

but Matt.