Viewing Habits

What's your favorite currently-airing TV show? Please don't say CSI: Hamster Wheel or Dancing With My Parents or anything that comes on USA. I mean, there are a number of acceptable answers to this question. I'm guessing yours is probably okay. But for the most part, America? You're doing it wrong.

TV SHOWS YOU* AREN’T WATCHING BUT SHOULD BE

Parks and Recreation
(Season 3 premieres tonight on NBC at 9:30 p.m.)

Like most low-rated shows that turn out to be fantastic, this one had a slow start. I caught up on Netflix a month or two ago, and initially only kept watching because I knew it was supposed to eventually be good. Turns out, it was.

Amy Poehler plays Leslie Knope with a very Michael Scott-esque exuberance, and while that was initially a frequent criticism of the show, I think her character has developed and diverged enough to where she’s not an imitation. But really, it’s the secondary characters that make this show for me. You can’t go wrong with Chris Pratt, who plays wide-eyed lovable idiot Andy in a way that doesn’t seem like too much of a stretch, like I sometimes feel about Kevin from The Office or Brittany from Glee. They’re too dumb to live, but Andy is just dumb enough.

Admittedly, the addition of my very favorite Party Down refugee, Adam Scott, hurts nothing. (Party Down, of course, being a show that would be on this list if anyone in the entire world actually subscribed to Starz and thus could watch it in a manner that actually contributed to its ratings.)

Listen, I’m not saying just blindly go watch tonight’s episode, because I haven’t seen it and it might suck. Believe it or not, as much as I rant and rave about television, the networks don’t yet see fit to send me screeners. But I think it's worth catching up on.

Cougartown
(Wednesday nights at 9:30 p.m. on ABC)

I’ve written about Cougartown before, as one of my favorite discoveries of 2010. Still true. The fact that there’s so much going against this show—its stupid name; Courteney Cox—and yet it still impressed me says something. It’s by Bill Lawrence, the creator of Scrubs, and I’m not sure that recommends it, either, considering Scrubs' determined downhill trajectory in its last few seasons. But it’s another gamble I took and it paid off.

The thing I like best about Cougartown probably says something about me as a person—I like how realistic all the characters are. I say it says something about me, because the reason they’re so realistic is that they’re kind of mean and judgy and drink a lot. But that’s life, at least around these parts. My friends and I don’t hang out in coffee shops or at the local diner. We hang out at the bar and we laugh when one of our number falls off their barstool—we may help our friend up off the dirty floor, but we still laugh. I feel like there’s a vast disconnect between 20-somethings in real life and 20-somethings (or 30-somethings, as with most of the characters of Cougartown) in media, and so when I find characters who actually act like I act, I dig it.

Also, it’s funny. Don't you like funny?

Friday Night Lights
(Wednesday nights at some time on some DirecTV channel you don't get, then later this Spring on NBC)

If you haven’t gotten around to watching Friday Night Lights at this point, you’re probably never going to. When everyone whose opinion matters raves about a show, and you still think to yourself, “Well, I don’t really want to watch a show about high school football,” then obviously you have other priorities and can move along and enjoy your life. But it will be a cursed life. A half-life. I mean, I don’t want to make outrageous claims like “best show ever created” or even “best show currently on TV,” because that’s a tough thing to say when Mad Men is still on the air. But if I were going to make outrageous, hyperbolic statements about any currently-airing TV show, trust me, it would be this one.

I know you aren’t going to change your mind. But if you did—and you won’t—it could be for a number of reasons. The incredible yet unheralded acting by basically everyone involved. The fact that it’s beautifully shot, or the ridiculously perfect music. The writing? Is amazing. And I can’t remember the last time I made it through an episode without a tear or two, which might deter you, but isn’t that the point of storytelling? To move you?

But now I sound like the Hallmark Channel or something. Moved to tears by television. Whatever; it’s really, really good.

TV SHOWS THAT WOULD PROBABLY BE ON THIS LIST HAD I GOTTEN AROUND TO WATCHING THEM YET, THUS MAKING ME OFFICIALLY PART OF THE PROBLEM

Breaking Bad
Eastbound & Down
Children's Hospital
Community

And then there's the other, more sinister side of the coin:


TV SHOWS YOU* ARE WATCHING BUT NEED TO STOP, IMMEDIATELY

Two and a Half Men

Seriously, don’t you know better by now? At least play the drinking game if you’re going to watch it.

Better With You

I wanted to like this. At least, I kind of did—one of my best friends went to elementary school or something with one of the leads, the sort of cute one. That kind of second-degree connection is what used to make me almost consider watching Private Practice just because I went to drama camp with the guy that died on it that used to play Piz on Veronica Mars. But anyway, I wanted to like this show.

It’s not my fault I don’t. It’s just bad. The jokes are obvious, and not in the way where you can guess the punchline but the delivery is so good that it’s still hilarious like on Modern Family. The plotlines are ridiculous, but not in the unpredictable way of the aforementioned Parks and Recreation. The show is just wildly unlikeable. And yet! It was picked up for a second season! Why did you do this to me?

Mike and Molly

I have to admit that I’ve never actually seen this show. The premise kind of makes my eyes roll—like, ooh, fat people in love! Let’s all laugh and laugh because they’re fat! And also in love! I even liked Melissa McCarthy on Gilmore Girls, but it’s not getting me to watch this show. But really, I’m just tired of the promo they play every week before How I Met Your Mother—where he says, “Watch our new show, Mike—” and she says, “And Molly.” It’s annoying and I’d like it to go away. If you stop watching, maybe it will.


*YOU does not necessarily refer to you, the audience of TT.TKO. If you are already watching quality TV, carry on. If you watch crap TV but only for the irony of it and/or whilst playing drinking games, carry on. If you are the kind of person that says things like, “Teevee? What’s that? Oh, that thing we stack all our books on!” then GTFO because no pretentious douches allowed.

Promises, Promises

Everybody says they're going to eat healthier. Gyms are being joined by people who will almost certainly never go back. People are sneaking cigarettes they swear will be their last. It's resolution season.

Entertainment Weekly and the AV Club have written about their pop cultural resolutions for 2011. I have a few of my own.

1. Catch up on shows I know I would like but have been putting off, like Fringe and Community.
2. Similarly, catch up on shows I know I would like but have been putting off because they’re no longer on the air and all I’ve got is time, like The Wire and Battlestar Galactica.
3. Finish the disc of The West Wing I’ve had out from Netflix since October. In the same vein, maybe stop keeping Netflix DVDs out for months at a time? No? Too lofty of a resolution?
4. Read a couple of books? I don’t know. I used to be literate, I swear, and one day I can be again. I just need to narrow down the several-feet-high stack of books I'd like to read to a more manageable set and get to it.
5. You hear a lot about pop cultural blind spots, and I have many. I’m not at all well-versed in video games, graphic novels, current literature, many different genres of music, etc etc etc. I'm sure I could make more amusing observations and offer more incisive, witty commentary if I had more of a passing familiarity with some of these things.
6. Judge not those who watch reality TV outside of Top Chef, because I have my fair share of bad taste myself. Or if I must judge (which, let’s face it, I must), at least judge quietly.
7. Actually commit to the Dawson’s Creek blog I’m intermittently so excited about and so annoyed by. My snarky skills need sharpening, anyway.

So there. I'm not making promises to myself I can't keep. Well, okay, next January I may still be vowing to someday watch the entire run of The Wire. It's been this long, after all. I can only hope I'll have returned that West Wing disc, though. I mean, dude. It's been three months. It's getting kind of ridiculous.

Rock 'N Roll High School

MTV doesn’t play music anymore. They haven’t for a long time. VH1 held out a bit longer, but Celebrity Rehab sells more adspace than Wilson Phillips music videos ever could. So where are you supposed to get your fix of bands on TV these days? Reruns, that’s where.

Television has a long and storied history of writing plotlines around bands. I bet Fonzie was in a band at some point on Happy Days, but I’m far too busy to consult Wikipedia. In any case, you need look no further than syndicated reruns or your DVD collection to find your jam.

• The Beets
  These colorful rockers were the real deal, whether they were playing arena shows or outside the Honker Burger. Based on a variety of British invasion bands, these were Doug and Skeeter’s idols, deservedly so. “I Need Mo’ Allowance”? “Killer Tofu”? Come on. The Beets were the shit. Apparently when Doug transitioned from its Nickelodeon heyday to its Disney purgatory, the Beets broke up. In protest? I’d like to think so.
  
• Zack Attack
  Hot Sundae crashed and burned when Jessie couldn’t kick her addiction, but the Zack Attack were friends forever. Or were they? We all remember the Behind The Music-esque episode about the rise and more notably, fall, of the BFFs-turned-rock-band. Still, throughout Saved By The Bell’s run, the Zack Attack appeared in a number of episodes, providing a soundtrack for Zack and Kelly’s tearjerker of a breakup and allowing us all to wonder why AC Slater sounds like Peabo Bryson when he sings.
  
• California Dreams
  This lesser known part of the Peter Engel family didn’t just feature a band, it was about a band. The Dreams were a beachy-cool rock band full of teenagers who faced all the same problems the Saved By The Bell gang faced, only they were in California. Wait a second. In any case, I still get some of their songs stuck in my head, and am currently wondering why I’ve never tried to acquire the soundtrack.
  
• Dingoes Ate My Baby
  Every laconic, spike-haired high schooler in the late ‘90s was in a band, and Daniel “Oz” Osbourne was no exception. Dingoes Ate My Baby appeared on the Buffy The Vampire Slayer scene when Oz did, simultaneously developing his character and allowing some consistency to the music played every week at the Bronze. The music was really played by Four Star Mary, and the Dingoes provided a nice respite from the usual ‘90s-lesbian-chic music that plagued early Buffy. Above all else, they have a cool name.
  
• Crucifictorious
  Most recently, the band you’ve been missing out on from the show you’re not watching, Friday Night Lights. This Christian death metal band burst onto the small-town scene, rocking all of Texas, or at least like, four or five people. Landry Clark has up and graduated, but Crucifictorious lives on in my heart and, occasionally, my trivia team name. And what a name it is, amiright?

Sadly, all my favorite TV bands seem to have broken up or gotten canceled. I guess I'll just have to hold out hope for another appearance of Mouse Rat when Parks and Recreation returns in the spring. Rock N Roll 4 Life.

You Don't Know Me, But I'm Famous

I used to have a dream.

Ever since probably high school, I've aspired to someday be a contestant on Jeopardy. I would watch it weekday evenings before primetime TV, sitting on my couch doing math homework and shouting answers in the form of questions at the television in between problem sets.

Freshman year of college, my roommate and I would videotape Jeopardy when we remembered-- that’s right, these were the olden days, pre-DVR-- and watch it at night, yelling answers at the television screen. This was the exciting season of Ken Jennings, the man who set the record for most consecutive wins on the show. But no matter how many answers good ol’ Ken got right, he couldn’t compete with our favorite week of the season-- College Jeopardy.

Eventually being on College Jeopardy became my goal. The questions tended to skew younger and had a bit more focus on pop culture than standard Jeopardy questions. Each episode usually featured at least one cute, smart boy. And you got to wear your college hoodie. What could be greater? It helped that in our play-along-at-home college dorm room, the record wasn’t Ken’s, or my roommate’s; it was mine.

However, laziness intervened. College Jeopardy week would sneak up on me, and I’d lament never having bothered to find out how you go about auditioning or testing. I’ve since met people who have gone through Jeopardy auditions, and it seems like a lengthy process. Well, maybe next time, I’d think, over and over, for the next four years.

Today, college has come and gone, and so have my chances of ever rocking College Jeopardy. Oh, sure, I could always try out for the regular version. But my utter lack of knowledge of local, US or global geography would surely thwart my efforts. In short, grown-up Jeopardy is just too damn hard.

So I have a new dream. It’s perfect. How can I simultaneously impress the world with my trivial knowledge AND not have to answer any really hard questions? That’s easy: Celebrity Jeopardy.

You’ve seen SNL. It’s not a far cry from the real version. These people are morons. I may not have any idea where the longest river in the world begins, nor do I know the capital of Tanzania. But I’m no moron. I would more or less dominate.

Now there is a little kink in my plan, and I think you may have figured it out. It’s not the aforementioned laziness-- I can fight that when necessary. No, it’s something a bit tougher to surmount-- I don’t know that I could technically be considered a celebrity.

But I’m no quitter. It’s Celebrity Jeopardy or bust. Now all I have to do is figure out how to get famous. You know that as much as I once wanted to, I probably won’t be doing it in the fields of figure skating or professional singing. It’s just not in the cards. So what else could I do? I have a few ideas.

• Reality TV star. It’s cheap; it’s easy; it’s lowest-common-denominator television. All we need is a video camera and I could be a star. I could trick an Atlanta Falcons player into marrying me and then I’ll be a Real Housewife. I’m not having a bunch of babies, so the Octo-mom idea is out. What about the Balloon Boy? I’m sure some Georgia Tech engineering student could make a contraption that I could fly away in.

• I'm practically locally famous for my unending devotion to Diet Coke. Think we could make that happen? I was born to be a Diet Coke spokesperson.
  
• Last ditch effort-- tell all your friends about the blog. Then they read it, love it, tell all their friends, and so on and so forth until the whole world falls madly in love with me and Alex Trebek books me as a professional blogger. Get on it.
  

Just give me a little time. Rome wasn't built in a day, and international superstars aren't created overnight. Look out, Trebek. I've got my eyes on the prize.