If You Want To Sing Out

Going out to bars is a blast. But whether you're nursing a PBR or a pinot, don't you get a little bored sometimes? Don't you crave an activity with your beers and bar snacks?

You could play a little trivia. Pool, if you're good at that sort of thing, or darts, if you like throwing really sharp things at tiny targets like I do.

Or you could sing yourself some karaoke.

If there's anybody out there who doesn't at least kind of love karaoke, they're probably boring. It's a truly fantastic pastime. Just this last weekend I had the privilege of singing myself some karaoke, out at a bar for a much-needed girls' night. And as could be expected, we were all clearly fantastic at it. But not everyone else was.

There are a few clear karaoke fouls that get committed in bars, night after night, by overconfident or overindulgent amateurs across the country. The number one infraction comes before the singing even begins-- song choice.

Choosing a quality karaoke song is an art. You may think you're selecting wisely, only to bomb three notes in. It's happened to the best of us. What makes a good karaoke song, in my opinion? A handy rule of thumb: Think to yourself, "In spite of wanting to sing this song at karaoke, am I myself really sick of hearing it?" If the answer is yes, definitely don't sing that song. This may eliminate a good chunk of the songbook, but trust me, it's for the best.

As a corollary, can we as a human race agree that anything by Journey should be retired from karaoke bars the world over? Any takers? Scribble "Don't Stop Believin'" on that slip of paper at your own risk.

Me, I love to sing early Beatles-- the upbeat stuff. Cheesy '90s pop can be fun, but you've got to gauge your audience. I like throwing in a little Tom Petty or the odd Huey Lewis & The News-- I've got a soft stop for good old Huey, and particularly for "The Power Of Love." The point is, pick something everybody knows pretty well and yet still isn't tired of. The most fun moments at the karaoke bar can come when an entire roomful of drunks of all ages are singing along with you. You may want your moment to shine, but trust me, the sound of 50 bar patrons drowning out your amplified croak may not be such a bad thing.

Which brings me to another point. There are no A&R guys hanging out at the karaoke bar at one in the morning, looking for the next big star. You're not going to get signed a record deal at this dingy dive, and just because you think you can outsing Whitney, it doesn't mean we want to hear you try. This is not a lounge on the Lito deck of a cruise ship, and nobody likes a karaoke singer who takes themselves just a little bit too seriously. Take it down a notch.

Other tips? Take your hands out of your damn pockets and have a little stage presence. Get drunk-- but not too drunk. If it looks like there are two sets of lyrics on the screen, you may want to sit this one out. Don't try to eat the microphone-- we can hear you just fine.

And like I said. Cool it with the Journey.

The Most Dangerous Game[s]

You know how chocolate is pretty awesome? And peanut butter is also pretty awesome? But peanut butter M&Ms are really awesome? This is kind of like that.

I love TV. You're shocked, I'm sure. Another shocking fact-- I also love drinking. Combine the two, and you've pretty much got the best Thursday night ever.

If you want to hear what Mikey and Mattie have to say about drinking games, consult the Plastercast episode of TT.TKO. But I know you really want to hear what I have to say. My favorite kind of drinking games are ones played along with TV shows. I prefer to play with beer, but that's just because I'm a beer girl. Use your judgment. Just don't blame me for the wretched hangover you get from pounding a shot of Jager every time House is sarcastic. Not my problem. You should've known better.

Law & Order: SVU
1. Drink whenever someone says the word “rape.”
2. Drink whenever they do something in a lab or on a computer that probably can't actually be done in real life.
3. Drink whenever Stabler blows up at someone or gets angry.
4. Drink whenever they play the “BUM BUM” noise.
5. Two drinks whenever it turns out it was the first suspect after all.

American Idol
1. Drink whenever Randy says something completely nonsensical.
2. Drink whenever a contestant tears up; take a bonus drink if they start crying.
3. Two drinks whenever a contestant uses their sad backstory to garner votes.
4. Drink whenever you miss Paula.
5. Finish your beer whenever Simon isn’t wearing a V-neck.*
*This can be adapted to whatever obnoxious habits the new judges have, which I’m sure will be numerous and varied.


30 Rock
1. Drink whenever Jack calls Liz "Lemon."
2. Drink whenever Kenneth does something that totally stereotypes the South but is still pretty funny.
3. Two drinks whenever they try to act like Tina Fey isn't actually pretty hot.
4. Finish your beer whenever Tracey makes complete and total sense.


How I Met Your Mother
1. Drink whenever Bob Saget’s voiceover says “Kids...”
2. Drink whenever Lily and Marshall are sickeningly cute.
3. Drink whenever Ted says something douchey and pretentious.
4. Drink whenever they drink.
5. Finish your beer if Alan Thicke appears.


Two and a Half Men
1. Drink whenever you want to change the channel.*
2. Drink whenever you can guess the punchline before the characters get to it.
3. Two drinks whenever you get angry about Jon Cryer actually winning an Emmy for this dreck.
 *Warning: You will end up completely plastered.


Sounds like a blast, right? You pick up the beer; I'll program the TiVo. Cheers!