That'll Do, Pig

We are living in the age of bacon.

Don’t bother denying it. Bacon is the new black. Nothing’s cooler than cool, except maybe bacon. It’s this season’s must-have accessory. No need for a $1,500 Prada purse when you can tote around a few slabs of bacon. It’s the hottest thing to hit the runway this year and it’s a fad we won’t soon forget.

Of course, trend forecasters have been citing bacon fever for a few years now. Gone are the days when delicious, delectable bacon could only be tasted and smelled from your kitchen, or maybe from your upstairs bedroom as it wafted through the house, gently waking you from your pre-breakfast dreams. The future is here, and that future is smoky.

If you ask me, it started with bacon chocolate. I first started hearing of this concoction, I don’t know, two or three years back? It sounded delicious. I’ll mix anything sweet and salty, so the flavor combination of bacon and chocolate sounded right up my alley. This was back before it was available in every gourmet basket from Harry & David and Eckerd’s alike, though, so I never got around to trying it out. To this day, my tastebuds remain in ignorance of the glory that bacon chocolate would (probably) bring to my life.

But today in 2011, there are tens, nay, twenties, of bacon-related products I’ve yet to try.

I’ve wanted to try bacon salt for awhile now. Imagine a bacon cheeseburger without all those pesky extra calories that propel your everyday, average cheeseburger from the “pretty unhealthy” column right over into “ye gods.” I’m no health nut, but I’d sprinkle this stuff on a baked potato and call it a healthy vegetable.

Bacon vodka exists, and frankly, I think it could provide just the bit of oomph my Bloody Maries need. Or it could be disgusting. The world (and I) may never know.

But the world does know what bacon smells like, and you can smell like that, too. If you want. Bacon cologne? I’ll allow it. What could draw me to a stranger in a club quicker than the scent of fresh breakfast meat? It certainly seems like it would be more effective than Axe.

If you want to toe the line of hilarious novelty breakfast meat related products, toss some bacon essence into a funny-shaped candle or something. If you want to completely tumble head-over-feet across the line with a beer in one hand and a slab of bacon in other, you should find a way to actually manufacture J&D’s mouth-watering April Fools Day joke from earlier this month—Bacon Air. They’re selling it for a mere $8.99 a bottle, but the caveat is that it does not really exist. Just think of the money that could be made by filling this delicious niche in today's bacon market.

I’ve seen the future, and the future is smoky.