All Grown Up

I didn't have a childhood.

Or at least, that's what some would have me believe when they find out that at the advanced age of 25, I've never seen The Goonies.

Months and months ago, I borrowed a copy from a friend who effused that I had to watch it, that I would love it. Life was incomplete without experiencing the shared nostalgia of millions of Goonies fans. Well, months and months went by and I never felt like watching it, for fear of it not living up to the hype. Until tonight.

Did it live up to the hype? Nah, not really. I enjoyed it, and I know I would have really enjoyed it as a child. But some things have to be experienced at a time and in a place, or else it never really feels right.

Surely there was a toy you always wanted as a kid, the one you begged your parents for every year before your birthday, the one scribbled in thick marker, highlighted and triple-underlined at the tippy-top of your Christmas list year after year. And of course you didn't get it-- you got a pair of pajamas, which was pretty lame, and maybe a Polly Pocket set, or if that wasn't your style, a TMNT action figure. Maybe you were even lucky enough to recieve one of the more coveted gifts wrapped up under your tree-- Rollerblades, or Moon Shoes (I totally had Moon Shoes). But it was never exactly what you wanted, because it wasn't that one thing.

I wanted a freaking Power Wheel. For years. I had a neighbor who had one-- the red Jeep, if you must know-- when I was 3 or 4, and she would never let me drive. Not content to be ever the passenger, I wished and prayed and cajoled for my parents to give in and get me a Power Wheel of my very own. If I remember correctly, I had my sights set on a convertible. Well, I never woke up to discover one under the tree, wrapped in a bright red bow, and I likewise went without on birthday upon birthday. I'm not sure when the longing went away-- the website seems to have designated these cars as being for ages 2-6, so maybe after first or second grade I just gave up. To this day I'm jealous of kids who had Power Wheels. However, if I were to get one now? I just don't think it would fulfill my expectations. Where is the iPod hookup, I might inquire, and what is the cup-holder situation in this thing? Anti-lock brakes? Just how many horses power this engine? I don't know that it would satisfy my 3-year-old self's imagination.

So I missed out on The Goonies. So I wasn't a licensed driver, cruising around my elementary school playground. I think I turned out okay in spite of it. Surely we all missed out on something that everybody else seemed to experience. At least now I can finally join the throngs of the culturally elite in understanding Goonies references (they never say die, I hear).

P.S. Did you know-- and I'm SURE that you didn't-- that they make a Power Wheels Cadillac Escalade? Um, what?

cheese and liberals.

So I have this friend Jacob. Well he was on the improv troop in college and they had an annual fundraiser called the Improvathon. The Improvathon is 24 hours of improv madness. They reserve the theatre on campus and the troop plays improv games nonstop for 24 hours straight. I bring this up because of one of the annual traditions at Improvathon involved Easy Cheese.

I have strong feelings about cheese. But I’ll get to that in a minute. They had this game where each time you say anything, you have to eat some condiment as you’re trying to say it.

Its gross. Each year, Jacob would inevitably have the Easy Cheese. I don’t know if he did this because he liked it, or because no one else would take it, or what. But it was one of the grossest things I’ve ever seen. Something about a human being squirting that amount of processed cheese product in their mouth with strings of it hanging on the beard and shirt…its just too much. Of course, this is also what made it funny. But this post is not about the logistics and theories of comedy. Its about cheese.

Ok, so Easy Cheese is something that was developed for convenience (I’m making assumptions here, work with me) of the eater to apply to a cracker. Its annoying to cut a slice of cheddar every time you want some on a cracker. Its in the name, EASY. According to Nabisco’s website, this is being marketed towards moms. “Moms of America, raise your fingers and squeeze!” You know, because moms are so busy they can’t cut cheese anymore. Nabisco knows this.

Ok, capitalism, crackers, cheese.

These are important things.

But at what point do we sacrifice authenticity, flavor and sense for “convenience.” As Americans who raise cows and goats and are raised on breast milk, couldn’t we all agree on cheese? I used to live in Indiana and I can say that from my experience there, and living in the region, that it is socially acceptable to eat Easy Cheese in social situations even though the great state of cheddar (Wisconsin) is only a couple of hours away. I live in Pennsylvania now, and this state has serious cheese history as well. The Amish are a people that know how to make some cheddar and jack and Colby and all sorts. 

I know some people actually prefer the flavor of super processed cheese flavored products. Typically I find these people to be a combination of the following:

They don’t care much about what they are eating.

They are political conservatives.

This is a combination of things I find really disturbing and dangerous. “You can’t take away my right to eat crap cheese shit!”  - crazy Easy Cheese eating Republican.

Well maybe you don’t have enough sense to have rights!

“Capitalism has delivered unto me Easy Cheese in many righteous flavors! The only truly patriotic thing to do is to accept this gift of crap cheese shit!” – crazy Easy Cheese eating Republican’s Baptist cousin.

It is not a left-wing-liberal-city-people-trying-to-be-European-and-weird thing to care about natural and organic products or NORMAL cheese. It’s a normal, human and American thing to care about cheese. Lets rebuild the infrastructure of cheese. The integrity of our obese souls depends on it. It reflects the state of the nation both domestically and internationally. How can other countries trust us when we eat cheese out of a can?

Crazy Easy Cheese eating people, please. Put down the can. Pick up a knife and cut the cheese.

This is as patriotic as I get. 

A Whole New World

There's a rumor going around that the next TT.TKO debate is going to be over who is the best of the Disney princesses. Well, you're in luck, because that rumor is true. Surely the boys have spent a countless hours thinking about this issue, but as a girl who grew up on Disney princesses and even recently went on a Disney cruise, I thought I'd weigh in on the topic.

According to the Disney princess Wikipedia page, there are nine officially-recognized princesses. Let's see how the line-up looks:

Snow White:
Pros: Proves pale can be in. Tolerates living in a frat house with a bunch of short dudes.
Cons: Weakness for apples. Weakness in general. Seems kind of dumb. "Someday My Prince Will Come."




Cinderella:
Pros: Her dress is pretty. Having a Fairy Godmother seems pretty cool.
Cons: Everything in life is fixed by getting swept off your feet by a prince, right? Also, can't keep track of shoes --> disorganized.






Aurora:
Pros: Sleeping for much of the movie.
Cons: Boring.









Ariel:
Pros: Good singer. Strong-willed. Curious. Has whos-its and whats-its galore.
Cons: Isn't she like 14? Kind of whiny. Also, a ginger, so draw your own conclusions.







Belle:
Pros: She reads. Has my favorite princess song ("Belle [Reprise]," specifically). Strong-willed, longs for adventure rather than a husband. Sees the Beast for who he really is. Marks a turn to more feminist princesses.
Cons: ????



Jasmine:
Pros: Strong-willed again. Headstrong, wants to live her own life. Kind of sassy.
Cons: MC Hammer pants. Will probably be eaten by her tiger at some point.










Pocahontas:
Pros: Another strong one. Based on a true story, so that's pretty cool.
Cons: I didn't really like the movie.







Mulan:
Pros: Kind of a badass. She fights! And dresses up like a dude to do it!
Cons: I didn't really like this movie, either. Yes, that's a valid mark against the princess. Even though Mulan is totally not a princess.




Tiana:
Pros: Good cook. Strong and independent.
Cons: She wants to own a restaurant, and most restaurant owners I've known are pretty lame. Also, this movie has the worst music of all the Disney movies, in my opinion. And again, yes, that counts against the princess herself.





Belle is my clear favorite. I really like Jasmine, and considered her briefly, but then decided that while I prefer Aladdin to Beauty & the Beast, I prefer Belle to Jasmine. Interestingly, both of my favorites are ones who see their non-prince for who he is and fall for him anyway. Most of the others just go for the hot prince. Snow White, Cinderella and Aurora even share a prince-- Mr. Charming. Must be a common surname, right? Or maybe he's just into that kind of thing.

I definitely think the princesses have improved as time has gone by. The early girls are all kind of dull, simpering, boring girls who just want to be swept off their feet by their man. A sign of the times, perhaps, since those films were released between 1937 and 1959. They definitely change along with the role of women in America, and at this point I would say that a marker of a Disney princess is her strong will. Truly, when you think about the more recent princesses as more than just pretty cartoon characters who land their men, they aren't such bad role models. They tend to actually be pretty independent and fight for what they want. Pretty BA, if you ask me.

Of course, no princesses feature in my very favorite Disney animated film. No, that distinction lies elsewhere. Robin Hood is far and away my favorite Disney movie, in no small part because of my well-documented crush on its male lead. He was pretty foxy, if I say so myself. And who can resist that accent? Oo-de-lally, indeed.

ARE YOU SWEATING YET

BECAUSE YOU SHOULD BE.

That tonight is opening night for the NFL season is quite fitting. Not to mention Braves v Cardinals and Auburn v Miss St.

SPORTS



ONE MORE LAP TO GO



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You Know What I Love... A**hole doctors on TV

I was sitting back enjoying a recently obtained season of Scrubs before meeting up with Matt on a Skype call and something clicked. What is it with a**hole doctors on television that I find so fascinating? I am sure it is some combination of wit, sarcasm and their ability to still be the hero but it can't be just that. I am really referencing two characters specifically, Dr. Gregory House (House) and Dr. Perry Cox (Scrubs).

These doctors have multiple things in common: both share a substance abuse problem (then again who doesn't), they constantly beat up on their underlings, there is a power struggle with their bosses, neither shows any belief in a higher power and each have some rather bizarre personal relationships. I know there are more but those seem to be the bigger ones. Of course there are drastic differences: children, limps, ability to work with patients, trips to rehab... you get the drill.

This was probably a poor choice to write about because I have no remarkable conclusion. All the doctors that I have encountered have been rather friendly. There have been no crazy long rants or intense metaphors. Maybe I like them because I have never seen anything quite like Dr. House or Dr. Cox before. Well, unless you look at the other one. Damn assholes...

WHY I LOVE CATS

Reason 1:

SPORTS

SPORTS


THAT'S RIGHT, SPORTS


Well, sports movies.



The bros of TT.TKO discuss, at length, sports movies. Of course, it's a fruitless endeavor; everyone knows the best sports movie is Slap Shot II: Breaking the Ice.



Stephen Baldwin AND Gary Busey??? What's not to love??




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