cheese and liberals.

So I have this friend Jacob. Well he was on the improv troop in college and they had an annual fundraiser called the Improvathon. The Improvathon is 24 hours of improv madness. They reserve the theatre on campus and the troop plays improv games nonstop for 24 hours straight. I bring this up because of one of the annual traditions at Improvathon involved Easy Cheese.

I have strong feelings about cheese. But I’ll get to that in a minute. They had this game where each time you say anything, you have to eat some condiment as you’re trying to say it.

Its gross. Each year, Jacob would inevitably have the Easy Cheese. I don’t know if he did this because he liked it, or because no one else would take it, or what. But it was one of the grossest things I’ve ever seen. Something about a human being squirting that amount of processed cheese product in their mouth with strings of it hanging on the beard and shirt…its just too much. Of course, this is also what made it funny. But this post is not about the logistics and theories of comedy. Its about cheese.

Ok, so Easy Cheese is something that was developed for convenience (I’m making assumptions here, work with me) of the eater to apply to a cracker. Its annoying to cut a slice of cheddar every time you want some on a cracker. Its in the name, EASY. According to Nabisco’s website, this is being marketed towards moms. “Moms of America, raise your fingers and squeeze!” You know, because moms are so busy they can’t cut cheese anymore. Nabisco knows this.

Ok, capitalism, crackers, cheese.

These are important things.

But at what point do we sacrifice authenticity, flavor and sense for “convenience.” As Americans who raise cows and goats and are raised on breast milk, couldn’t we all agree on cheese? I used to live in Indiana and I can say that from my experience there, and living in the region, that it is socially acceptable to eat Easy Cheese in social situations even though the great state of cheddar (Wisconsin) is only a couple of hours away. I live in Pennsylvania now, and this state has serious cheese history as well. The Amish are a people that know how to make some cheddar and jack and Colby and all sorts. 

I know some people actually prefer the flavor of super processed cheese flavored products. Typically I find these people to be a combination of the following:

They don’t care much about what they are eating.

They are political conservatives.

This is a combination of things I find really disturbing and dangerous. “You can’t take away my right to eat crap cheese shit!”  - crazy Easy Cheese eating Republican.

Well maybe you don’t have enough sense to have rights!

“Capitalism has delivered unto me Easy Cheese in many righteous flavors! The only truly patriotic thing to do is to accept this gift of crap cheese shit!” – crazy Easy Cheese eating Republican’s Baptist cousin.

It is not a left-wing-liberal-city-people-trying-to-be-European-and-weird thing to care about natural and organic products or NORMAL cheese. It’s a normal, human and American thing to care about cheese. Lets rebuild the infrastructure of cheese. The integrity of our obese souls depends on it. It reflects the state of the nation both domestically and internationally. How can other countries trust us when we eat cheese out of a can?

Crazy Easy Cheese eating people, please. Put down the can. Pick up a knife and cut the cheese.

This is as patriotic as I get.