If there are so many new releases vying for your attention that you can't choose which to see, maybe you should rely on movie posters to make your decision. If you're too overwhelmed or lazy to even do that, you could always just use my decisions to make your decisions. Or use a dart board or one of those nerdy dice with a billion sides. Hey, whatever works for you.
1.
Killers (opens June 4)
This movie has gotten lukewarm early press, and I'm going to have to give a lukewarm response to its poster as well. Katherine Heigl and Ashton Kutcher are both pretty, of course, so it has that going for it-- but I'm fairly certain that's what it's banking on to sell the movie. From what I can tell from the poster, I guess they're married? And want to kill... each other? Or the dude hiding at the weird bottom of the poster wants to kill them? Or Ashton Kutcher wants to kill himself because Katherine Heigl won't stop whining about how she misses being on Grey's Anatomy? I don't know. The pink text and the cast itself indiciates to me that they're trying to sell it to the ladies, but I think they're also hoping that the guns and intrigue will sell it to the dudes as well. Good luck with that. I think most guys know better than to see Katherine Heigl movies by now. C
2.
Marmaduke (opens June 4)
This is a movie now? Really? I suppose I'm not surprised. I have a very strong prejudice against movies starring animals whose mouths move when they talk (oh, how I long for the salad days of Homeward Bound, when all movie animals just read each others' minds), so I'll probably pass regardless of the poster. But let's focus. LIVE LARGE. Get it?? Because Marmaduke is giant? And apparently he can drive a car. Or maybe he's just riding along; it's hard to tell. And he's wearing sunglasses, see, because Marmaduke gets treated like a human. I'm not sure if the movie will be full of the kind of lame jokes of the comic strip, or the kind of equally lame but more fart-oriented jokes of modern talking animal movies, but I will not be seeing it and you probably shouldn't either. Instead, go read all the
Marmaduke Explained archives. They're hilarious. C-
3.
The A-Team (opens June 11)
I will preface this with the fact that I don't know anything about the A-Team. Is that with Mr. T? Who pities fools? I don't know. In any case, I kind of dig this poster. It sort of looks like it was slapped together in 15 minutes, but maybe that's the look they're going for-- ridiculous and devil-may-care. Or something. In any case, Bradley Cooper has pretty, pretty blue eyes, and I like the juxtaposition of all the faces. Still probably won't see it, but I dig it well enough. B+
4.
The Karate Kid (opens June 11)
Now this I like. It's a clean design and the colors pop. There's no pretty, airbrushed woman smiling coyly with one leg in the air like in way too many movie posters (though in this case, who would that be? Jackie Chan?) And I like how Jaden Smith isn't in TOTAL sillhouette, but you can still make out his face. In any case, this is just visually appealing to me and I will probably see the movie. Though I think I would anyway, so maybe these posters actually have little or no bearing on my actions. Alas. A-
5.
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (opens June 30)
Heh. If tradition holds, I'll be seeing this one opening night at midnight with a lot of beer on hand, regardless of its poster. True to form, it's another Twilight poster that takes the love triangle angle and makes everybody's face look so shiny and smooth that it's almost creepy. But they're selling to little girls (and lonely moms, of course), so the romance aspect is what they want to play up. But make no mistakes-- vampires get their heads viciously ripped off by other vampires in this movie. If I had any faith left in anyone involved in the franchise, there could be some really cool stuff going on in the climax scenes. But regardless, the poster: eh. I don't think there's a person in America who is or isn't going to see this movie based on what the poster looks like. So I grade it moot.
This movie has gotten lukewarm early press, and I'm going to have to give a lukewarm response to its poster as well. Katherine Heigl and Ashton Kutcher are both pretty, of course, so it has that going for it-- but I'm fairly certain that's what it's banking on to sell the movie. From what I can tell from the poster, I guess they're married? And want to kill... each other? Or the dude hiding at the weird bottom of the poster wants to kill them? Or Ashton Kutcher wants to kill himself because Katherine Heigl won't stop whining about how she misses being on Grey's Anatomy? I don't know. The pink text and the cast itself indiciates to me that they're trying to sell it to the ladies, but I think they're also hoping that the guns and intrigue will sell it to the dudes as well. Good luck with that. I think most guys know better than to see Katherine Heigl movies by now. C
This is a movie now? Really? I suppose I'm not surprised. I have a very strong prejudice against movies starring animals whose mouths move when they talk (oh, how I long for the salad days of Homeward Bound, when all movie animals just read each others' minds), so I'll probably pass regardless of the poster. But let's focus. LIVE LARGE. Get it?? Because Marmaduke is giant? And apparently he can drive a car. Or maybe he's just riding along; it's hard to tell. And he's wearing sunglasses, see, because Marmaduke gets treated like a human. I'm not sure if the movie will be full of the kind of lame jokes of the comic strip, or the kind of equally lame but more fart-oriented jokes of modern talking animal movies, but I will not be seeing it and you probably shouldn't either. Instead, go read all the Marmaduke Explained archives. They're hilarious. C-
I will preface this with the fact that I don't know anything about the A-Team. Is that with Mr. T? Who pities fools? I don't know. In any case, I kind of dig this poster. It sort of looks like it was slapped together in 15 minutes, but maybe that's the look they're going for-- ridiculous and devil-may-care. Or something. In any case, Bradley Cooper has pretty, pretty blue eyes, and I like the juxtaposition of all the faces. Still probably won't see it, but I dig it well enough. B+
Now this I like. It's a clean design and the colors pop. There's no pretty, airbrushed woman smiling coyly with one leg in the air like in way too many movie posters (though in this case, who would that be? Jackie Chan?) And I like how Jaden Smith isn't in TOTAL sillhouette, but you can still make out his face. In any case, this is just visually appealing to me and I will probably see the movie. Though I think I would anyway, so maybe these posters actually have little or no bearing on my actions. Alas. A-
Heh. If tradition holds, I'll be seeing this one opening night at midnight with a lot of beer on hand, regardless of its poster. True to form, it's another Twilight poster that takes the love triangle angle and makes everybody's face look so shiny and smooth that it's almost creepy. But they're selling to little girls (and lonely moms, of course), so the romance aspect is what they want to play up. But make no mistakes-- vampires get their heads viciously ripped off by other vampires in this movie. If I had any faith left in anyone involved in the franchise, there could be some really cool stuff going on in the climax scenes. But regardless, the poster: eh. I don't think there's a person in America who is or isn't going to see this movie based on what the poster looks like. So I grade it moot.
