Acute Onset Monday Syndrome

Today is Monday, and what that means is that I have no interest in doing anything. I have a bunch of things I ought to be doing, but I really really don't want to. I am calling this acute onset Monday syndrome (thanks to Helen for inspiring the name!).

But I have promises to keep... So here's your weekly bit on jai alai.

Something I didn't mention last week is that jai alai is a gambling sport. Gambling is of course a controversial issue. Potentially it can lead to addiction and crime, but it can also create income -- state lotteries in the US help spur the creation of massive scholarship funds, for example. The mayor of Bacolod, one of the larger cities in the Philippines, opposes the legalization of jai alai in his city, instead taking the position that the national government should make the call on such an issue. I can see both sides of the argument. Gambling definitely creates a certain atmosphere (Las Vegas or Atlantic City e.g.), but the money coming in to the city would certainly help assuage specific concerns for the city.

Think about it this way: where most of our readers live, there is already gambling present: state lotteries, scratch-off tickets, etc. Perhaps there are even casinos nearby. Do you think it's necessary to create a new form of gambling for your town? What benefits would you see, and against what cost? Just some questions to mull over...


Anyway, here are few things I've collected:

• Yes, Chik-fil-A Says, We Explicitly Do Not Like Same-Sex Couples. Yiiikes.
  
  
• While there is unrest in Egypt, to put it very lightly, a news story which captures the front page of BBC News, the news was seemingly dominated by Charlie Sheen over the weekend. Well... that's how I felt anyway; every US-based news site had Sheen's picture plastered everywhere. It's better now, at least, but come on.
  
  
• All the womenfolk really need to check out/discover Apricot Basket. Just saying.
  
  
• What does an actual NFL sports writer write about when there's no football? Aaron Rodgers' past, apparently.
  
  

Lastly, here's the best fighting game I've ever seen:

Nerdcore Heroes

Let’s jump in this people. We are going to get a little wet so you may want to take your shoes off first. I have a pretty broad taste in music. Hell, I even like country. This isn’t about country but this is about what has been trending in the music I have been listening to lately. If you checked out our new about us section you will see there is a reference to a Chiddy Bang song that I have had on repeat lately. The song is called Opposite Of Adults and I am here to explain why I “dig” it.

This will be a round trip with frequent stops. Now put your arms outside the vehicle and feel free to get up, dance and maybe even laugh a little.


About three to four years ago I was introduced to the music of MC Chris. Specifically a track called Fett’s Vette. The song is about a Star War’s bounty hunter named Boba Fett. This was the first time I realized there was anything out there known as nerdcore hip-hop. Since then I have been pretty smitten with it. Yeah, smitten.

While Fett’s Vette was the first blatantly nerdcore song I had knowingly experienced it wasn’t my first run in. While I was in high school I was exposed to an MC known as Del The Funky Homosapien. You have probably heard him in the rap portion of the Gorillaz’s Clint Eastwood. The guy has some crazy freestyle skills and isn't afraid to drop references to zelda or even Dragonball Z.

I do like "traditional" rap and hip-hop but as a white kid from the suburbs of “Hotlanta” I can’t truly relate to the lyrics of most hip-hop songs. I am not really into bling, calling girls bitches and ho’s nor am I overly interested in the paint job on my car (black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow) but I do have my share of Ludacris, Lil’ Wayne and Kanye West on my itunes.

I needed to find a middle ground somewhere between gangsta rapper Jay-Z and Nerdcore’s Beefy. Lately, guys like Chiddy Bang and Kid Cudi have started filling that void for me. So now you know why I like “that one Chiddy Bang song”. Before you move on check out this one song by Beefy (the song ends at about 4:15 but for some reason it keeps going. Sorry but this is one of the few videos I can find).

Anger Management

Ever have an angry day?

I don’t mean the kind of day where you feel a little bummed out, or you have legitimate cause to be angry because someone crashed into your parked car right after you got one of those fancy $30 car washes (although as an aside, you know that's a waste of money, right? It's going to rain eventually). I mean one of those days where every tiny little thing just makes you rage.

If you’re like me, there are a number of seemingly-insignificant things that can make you grit your teeth and bite your lip in manic frustration. Things that have made me rage lately include, but are not limited to:

-Knowing a little bit of HTML but not enough to make things on this site look like I want them to even though I know it’s possible and probably even easy.

-Similarly, when I know what I want to do in Photoshop and sort of know how to get there but not enough to actually get there and I'm too stubborn to ask Michael for help.

-This one particular aspect of my job that would be too long and boring to explain, but oh my god. It's yank-out-your-hair aggravating.

-People who absolutely refuse to back down from an argument even when they’re completely wrong. Yes, I do understand the irony here.

-One-word text messages. This probably stems from the prehistoric days when we had to pay 10 cents a message, whether we sent it or received it, but regardless, I have special frustrated noises reserved for people who send out the one-word text.

-Rage comics. They’re just so ugly, and I don’t like to look at ugly things, even on the off chance that they might make me chuckle to myself in agreement. They remind me too much of Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark illustrations, anyway.

-When somebody says that it's hypocritical for someone to order a cheeseburger and a Diet Coke. Bitch, we drink it for the taste. There was even a jingle about that.

-When the weather breaks into the TV show you're watching to tell you there's a slight chance of inclement weather in a county 40 miles south of you. Seriously, weatherman, I don't care. I'm watching House and I just want to know whether or not it's lupus.

And when you have an angry day, one thing just feeds into the next, much like in this oh-so-relevant Hyperbole and a Half comic. Out of cookies? Normally not so bad. But when I've already had an aggravating workday, been called out for loving Diet Coke with non-diet food, and wrestled with Photoshop all while receiving a bevy of one-word text messages? I'd stay out of arm-swinging range if I were you.

5n5: Movies You Should Have Seen As A Kid

YES! Let us revisit the movies that made my childhood pretty awesome. If you haven't seen any of these movies yet and you are older than 12 you probably should just move on. Here are five movies that were awesome when you were 8 but maybe not so much now. DO IT!

Me and David Bowie.

Just a few days ago I found out that I like David Bowie. And by like, I mean love. I think this love will grow into a beautiful sparkling glittering flower. I will water it as much as i can, and give it the sunshine of my smile.

I've always like "Rebel Rebel" but stupidly didn't really make the connection that it was the same man who sings the song, "Space Oddities" which I also love. So let me tell you about my journey.
My parents are older than the average parent of people in my age group so what they listened to while I was growing up was a little different. We listened to the local radio station (my hometown is just that - a town) and the top 100 hits of the 50s and 60s.

So really, my first encounter with Bowie was college. My freshman roommate put up a large Labyrinth poster right next to my bed our first semester. Which, to my uninformed self was the ugliest thing I'd ever seen. There was David Bowie half smiling at me like an electrocuted clown on cocaine. So gross. Gross for two years.

I feel like its necessary to explain briefly the background of my musical interests. I'm not an uninformed listener - neither am I one of those people that just listens to whatever is on. When I was in high school, I was into "Alternative" - so Weezer, Deftones, Green Day, Smashing Pumpkins, Blur etc. Then I got into "Punk" and all derivations thereof. I mellowed out in college - seeking the "Indie" Rock and Folk obscure. I'm also very knowledgable about all music prior to about 1974 (due to parental influence).

So its really ridiculous that I hadn't given Bowie the time of day. About a year ago I downloaded "Rebel Rebel" because I got a little obsessed with the song, but that was as far as it went.

Now I feel ashamed and totally irresponsible. But I can mend this. My Bowie flower will grow.
I hear you ground control - and I love you.

Let's Dance!!


I still haven't seen the Labyrith.








On a totally unrelated note - does anyone else think Mr. Iron and Wine looks a lot like Zach Galifianakis?

Flying Jai?

If you listened to our most recent podcast, you'll know that Mikey, Jack, and I made predictions for the SuperBowl. We all picked Atlanta for the NFC.... WHOOPS! I picked the Pats for the AFC, and I cannot believe they got trumped by the Jets. Jack picked the Jets to make the SB, and Mikey picked the Steelers -- or at least he picked the winner of the Pittsburgh-Baltimore game (these predictions were made pre-divisional round). So I was entirely wrong as of last weekend; Mikey and Jack were half-right coming into this weekend. But only Mikey correctly predicted one of the SB teams. So he wins one Internet. My post-divisional-round predictions were Packers and Steelers, so that brings my prediction total to 68-38, bringing me up to .559. The only thing left to do is make a SB prediction.....READ IT HERE FIRST: I AM PREDICTING THE PACKERS TO WIN THE SUPERBOWL.

But now there is a question. What happens with my blogs now that football is ending? This question lead to an interesting (LOL, NOPE) Twitter conversation amongst the TT.TKO writers, and I have posted it here. If you can't figure out who's who, then YIKES. (Read from the bottom up)



So.... HERE'S IS YOUR WEEKLY JAI ALAI BLOG. First, I should tell you what it is. I will be forthright and inform you that the only reason I know about this sport is because of an episode of Jackass I saw, like, 10 years ago (or whenever it was that Jackass was on television and still culturally relevant [SICK BURN]). If you're familiar with racquetball or squash, then, well... it's kind of like that. Only faster (on average). Jai alai is a form of Basque pelota, which "is the name for a variety of court sports played with a ball using one's hand, a racket, a wooden bat or a basket, against a wall or, more traditionally, with two teams face to face separated by a line on the ground or a net. Their roots can be traced to the Greek and other ancient cultures, but in Europe they all derive from tennis."

The "racket," more properly a basket kind of contraption, used in jai alai is called a cesta. The rules are not complicated, but it's more than I want to write up. The basic idea is this: one dude hurls a ball (made of metal and wrapped in goatskin) at the wall, and the idea is that the teams alternate catching the ball in the cesta and then throwing it without holding or juggling.... and all in one motion. Points are scored subject to certain constraints on the court and with the players (YOU CAN READ, I LINKED IT UP ABOVE).

To give you an idea of how this game is played:


SO NOW THAT WE ALL KNOW WHAT IT IS, next week you can expect some more sexy jai alai information.

And just remember Amy, you brought this upon yourself.

Viewing Habits

What's your favorite currently-airing TV show? Please don't say CSI: Hamster Wheel or Dancing With My Parents or anything that comes on USA. I mean, there are a number of acceptable answers to this question. I'm guessing yours is probably okay. But for the most part, America? You're doing it wrong.

TV SHOWS YOU* AREN’T WATCHING BUT SHOULD BE

Parks and Recreation
(Season 3 premieres tonight on NBC at 9:30 p.m.)

Like most low-rated shows that turn out to be fantastic, this one had a slow start. I caught up on Netflix a month or two ago, and initially only kept watching because I knew it was supposed to eventually be good. Turns out, it was.

Amy Poehler plays Leslie Knope with a very Michael Scott-esque exuberance, and while that was initially a frequent criticism of the show, I think her character has developed and diverged enough to where she’s not an imitation. But really, it’s the secondary characters that make this show for me. You can’t go wrong with Chris Pratt, who plays wide-eyed lovable idiot Andy in a way that doesn’t seem like too much of a stretch, like I sometimes feel about Kevin from The Office or Brittany from Glee. They’re too dumb to live, but Andy is just dumb enough.

Admittedly, the addition of my very favorite Party Down refugee, Adam Scott, hurts nothing. (Party Down, of course, being a show that would be on this list if anyone in the entire world actually subscribed to Starz and thus could watch it in a manner that actually contributed to its ratings.)

Listen, I’m not saying just blindly go watch tonight’s episode, because I haven’t seen it and it might suck. Believe it or not, as much as I rant and rave about television, the networks don’t yet see fit to send me screeners. But I think it's worth catching up on.

Cougartown
(Wednesday nights at 9:30 p.m. on ABC)

I’ve written about Cougartown before, as one of my favorite discoveries of 2010. Still true. The fact that there’s so much going against this show—its stupid name; Courteney Cox—and yet it still impressed me says something. It’s by Bill Lawrence, the creator of Scrubs, and I’m not sure that recommends it, either, considering Scrubs' determined downhill trajectory in its last few seasons. But it’s another gamble I took and it paid off.

The thing I like best about Cougartown probably says something about me as a person—I like how realistic all the characters are. I say it says something about me, because the reason they’re so realistic is that they’re kind of mean and judgy and drink a lot. But that’s life, at least around these parts. My friends and I don’t hang out in coffee shops or at the local diner. We hang out at the bar and we laugh when one of our number falls off their barstool—we may help our friend up off the dirty floor, but we still laugh. I feel like there’s a vast disconnect between 20-somethings in real life and 20-somethings (or 30-somethings, as with most of the characters of Cougartown) in media, and so when I find characters who actually act like I act, I dig it.

Also, it’s funny. Don't you like funny?

Friday Night Lights
(Wednesday nights at some time on some DirecTV channel you don't get, then later this Spring on NBC)

If you haven’t gotten around to watching Friday Night Lights at this point, you’re probably never going to. When everyone whose opinion matters raves about a show, and you still think to yourself, “Well, I don’t really want to watch a show about high school football,” then obviously you have other priorities and can move along and enjoy your life. But it will be a cursed life. A half-life. I mean, I don’t want to make outrageous claims like “best show ever created” or even “best show currently on TV,” because that’s a tough thing to say when Mad Men is still on the air. But if I were going to make outrageous, hyperbolic statements about any currently-airing TV show, trust me, it would be this one.

I know you aren’t going to change your mind. But if you did—and you won’t—it could be for a number of reasons. The incredible yet unheralded acting by basically everyone involved. The fact that it’s beautifully shot, or the ridiculously perfect music. The writing? Is amazing. And I can’t remember the last time I made it through an episode without a tear or two, which might deter you, but isn’t that the point of storytelling? To move you?

But now I sound like the Hallmark Channel or something. Moved to tears by television. Whatever; it’s really, really good.

TV SHOWS THAT WOULD PROBABLY BE ON THIS LIST HAD I GOTTEN AROUND TO WATCHING THEM YET, THUS MAKING ME OFFICIALLY PART OF THE PROBLEM

Breaking Bad
Eastbound & Down
Children's Hospital
Community

And then there's the other, more sinister side of the coin:


TV SHOWS YOU* ARE WATCHING BUT NEED TO STOP, IMMEDIATELY

Two and a Half Men

Seriously, don’t you know better by now? At least play the drinking game if you’re going to watch it.

Better With You

I wanted to like this. At least, I kind of did—one of my best friends went to elementary school or something with one of the leads, the sort of cute one. That kind of second-degree connection is what used to make me almost consider watching Private Practice just because I went to drama camp with the guy that died on it that used to play Piz on Veronica Mars. But anyway, I wanted to like this show.

It’s not my fault I don’t. It’s just bad. The jokes are obvious, and not in the way where you can guess the punchline but the delivery is so good that it’s still hilarious like on Modern Family. The plotlines are ridiculous, but not in the unpredictable way of the aforementioned Parks and Recreation. The show is just wildly unlikeable. And yet! It was picked up for a second season! Why did you do this to me?

Mike and Molly

I have to admit that I’ve never actually seen this show. The premise kind of makes my eyes roll—like, ooh, fat people in love! Let’s all laugh and laugh because they’re fat! And also in love! I even liked Melissa McCarthy on Gilmore Girls, but it’s not getting me to watch this show. But really, I’m just tired of the promo they play every week before How I Met Your Mother—where he says, “Watch our new show, Mike—” and she says, “And Molly.” It’s annoying and I’d like it to go away. If you stop watching, maybe it will.


*YOU does not necessarily refer to you, the audience of TT.TKO. If you are already watching quality TV, carry on. If you watch crap TV but only for the irony of it and/or whilst playing drinking games, carry on. If you are the kind of person that says things like, “Teevee? What’s that? Oh, that thing we stack all our books on!” then GTFO because no pretentious douches allowed.

TT.TKO: JENGA BAWL

football.
FOOTBALL.
FOOTBALL!
MUTHA FUCKIN' FOOTBALL!!!!

jenga.
JENGA.
JENGA!
HIS HOLY PIMPNESS, JENGA!!!!!!

Find us on iTunes or download here

Sugar & Spice

I may not be the girliest girl there is. I love beer and football, but I also love going shopping and girl talk. I think I strike a nice balance.

But there are some girly things that are just ridiculous. Absurd things. And you know what? We girls know this. I know this. But I participate in them, anyway.

Take GOOP, for instance. GOOP, for the uninitiated and unfamiliar, is potential worst person ever Gwyneth Paltrow’s e-newsletter in which she attempts to foster her image as the Martha Stewart of the new generation, only, like, prettier. Week after week I open this vapid monstrosity to find recipes for searing whitefish, or tummy-toning workout routines from Gwynnie’s personal trainer, or instructions on how to make a cheery holiday wreath from stray socks plucked from the dryer. Week after week my eyes roll back into my head as I hover my cursor over the “Unsubscribe” link, vacillating. And week after week, my subscription to GOOP lives to see another day. What if next week is the week she (or, more likely, her minions) writes about something useful to me? What if I miss it? It’s a thought I cannot bear.

Which brings me, of course, to another girly trait that I recognize as ridiculous but cannot seem to shake—the art of over-thinking. My mind is a mess of worst-case-scenarios, including the fresh hell in which Gwyneth Paltrow writes about the key to existence and I miss out on enlightenment. The normal part of my brain can identify my faulty reasoning but does nothing to stop the girly lizard-brain part from picking apart every worry, every scenario, every text message, every “We need to talk about something,” every “Can you come into my office for a second?” It’s truly exhausting. And yet it persists.

But not every girlish absurdity I embrace, whether intentionally or not, is a fatal flaw. When I turn on the TV, there’s a 33.3% chance that whatever I flip to will be near embarrassing. My DVR knows better than to miss a week of Gossip Girl or Grey’s Anatomy, and woe be the work that needed to get done before I stumbled upon a marathon of ANTM. I may be rotting my brain but I simply can’t help myself.

And then there’s the girly-girl things I could help, but why bother? Like getting dressed up in cute party dresses even when the occasion and the weather don't warrant it. Sometimes a girl just wants to look pretty, okay? And freezing toes and chattering teeth aren't standing in my way.

For the most part, I’m not complaining. We all have our guilty pleasures and peccadilloes. I think that one of these days I’m going to need to do something about GOOP, though. I just don’t think I’m buying what Gwynnie’s selling.

Oh snap.

I have learned not to gloat or talk trash when it comes to "my" teams unless I am provoked. As most know I am an Auburn Alum and am extremely excited about them winning the national championship. I was actually shocked how tame I have been about it. I get a lot of grief from fans of the University of Georgia based on where I live and who I grew up with. Well Adult Swim decided to talk trash for me in their bumpers between commercials and programming:

PLAYOFFS!?

So the NFL playoffs this week have been terrible for me. My picks: Ravens, Falcons, Bears, Pats.

If you watched the games this weekend, you'll notice that only one of my picks, the Bears, won. The Ravens-Steelers game was at least fun to watch. The Bears won, predictably. The Jets-Pats game was okay, but it's hard to really be interested in some games. This was one I didn't care much about either way. One thing I will say: I don't particularly like the Jets. I don't particularly care for their brash attitude. I don't like that they backed into the playoffs. I especially don't like their attitude considering they only squeaked by the Colts -- a team that has been banged up all year -- last week. But I also don't really like the Pats.

The Falcons-Packers game was awful. The Falcons played miserably; how does a team do such an about face? They have played well all season long, and they get trounced. Part of me wonders if the bye week worked against them. I've heard players talk about how bye weeks can sometimes kill momentum. Ultimately, though, I'm not convinced it would have made much difference. The Packers simply out-played the Falcons in every way, but especially offensively. The Falcon defense seemed helpless.

Overall, this brings my record to 66-38.



In other news, Virginia and I watched the games on Saturday with some friends. (YES WE HAVE THEM.) Eventually, we wound up back at our place watching Saturday Night Live. Hosted by Gwyneth Paltrow. Musical guest Cee-Lo. This was the first time in a while that I had watched SNL. Holy shit, what barf it was. Cee-Lo was excellent, I should say, but everything was yuck yuck barf yuck (aside from a digital short with Andy Samberg and Pee-Wee Herman [and Anderson Cooper]...). Has SNL always been bad and I just didn't notice it when I was younger because my taste in television was less sophisticated? Somehow I doubt it, but maybe yes? In any case, Gwyneth Paltrow was really pretty terrible. There is a pop culture aggregation site that I frequent, the writer for which has long held that Gwyneth Paltrow is the worst. I am starting to believe.

In other news, my classes start back on Tuesday. Thankfully, I don't think I'm working in the tutoring center. This semester I'm TAing for an upper-level majors course, so it'll mostly be grading I suspect. So... perhaps no more Monday Morning Rants? We'll see. OR MAYBE I'LL JUST COMPLAIN ABOUT ALL THE OTHER BAD THINGS IN MY LIFE. Good reading, right? Right. Awesome.

The Gauntlet: The Second Coming

Totally my fault on not having this podcast sooner. It is time for the second coming of the gauntlet. Your mind will probably freeze over and then shatter from the awesome. Good luck surviving this.

Find us on iTunes or download here

Regularly Scheduled Programming?

Our readers may have noticed that we have not posted an episode in some time. So where have we been? We took an unintentional break over the holidays, so that accounts for two or three weeks. But we actually recorded an episode! I promise! First episode of 2011! SO WHERE THE BALLS IS IT, right?

Well, if you live in, near, or in the general vicinity of Atlanta, you know that there has been a SNOWPOCALYPSE. The whole city has been shut down for, like, four solid days. As far as I can gather from my intelligence sources, Mikey has been barricaded in a hotel near his work so that he has less distance to travel. Since he hasn't been home, he hasn't been able to upload the new show.

JUST BE PATIENT. IT WILL BE UP SOON. As an offering to the TKO Gods, I have a couple videos.

Last night, I bought tickets to see one of my favorite bands. They're finally going to release new material after nearly 9 years (last album was 2002), so I have been waiting VERY PATIENTLY. This first video is one of their new songs.


And just in case you didn't get enough year-end retrospective junk in 2010, here's a compilation of some of the best FAILs of 2010.

The Persistence of Memory

Memory's a funny thing. Remember in school, when you'd pull an all-nighter before a big test, cramming all those dates and names and facts into your head? You'd ace the exam, but come finals week, it was like Greek to you. Unless, of course, you were studying for Greek class, in which case, it was like math, or chemistry, or Spanish. Anything but what you needed to remember.

Then there are the things you'll never, ever forget. I'm not talking about the time you were pantsed in front of the girl you had a crush on in the middle of 7th grade gym class. I'm talking cold, hard facts, useless stuff, taking up valuable space in your brain.

I could recite my 13-digit bank account number in my sleep. It's helpful when filling out deposit slips, I suppose. I could rattle off the LOST numbers even half-drunk, which would have come in handy if I'd actually played them in Mega Millions last week and walked away $150 richer. I still remember my college boyfriend's old cell phone number-- useless on several levels, especially in this age of the digital address book. Who needs to memorize phone numbers, anyway?

Some people have a high school locker combination they'll always recall, but I would sometimes forget mine over long weekends, so that's definitely something that didn't stick with me. I, like many others, however, can never forget the jingle from the Empire Carpet commercials-- "800-588-2300, Empire...today!" So that makes at least two phone numbers I still remember but will never call.

At any given moment, I can list six of the seven dwarves. The caveat is that it's always a different combination of dwarves-- you know how it goes. Put me on the spot, and my dwarf-listing abilities under pressure might knock that number down to four or five.

Like many others of our generation, I will forever remember the lyrics to hundreds and hundreds of pop songs from the mid to late '90s. Put "Semi-Charmed Life" on the jukebox at a bar and watch everyone try to act cool, like they don't know every word. They do. They all do.

I'm usually decent at team trivia, pretty good at play-along-at-home Jeopardy. But I think it would help if I could clear out some of the useless to make room for the trivial. There are $30 restaurant gift cards at stake here, after all. I don't think the trivia guy or Alex Trebek are ever going to ask me to sing the Empire Carpet jingle, but if they do, I'm all set.

If they ask for seven dwarf names, though, I might be screwed. Lazy's one, right? Homely? Creepy?

Future Me

I HAVE FOUND FUTURE ME



MAYBE I'LL COME DOWN.... MAYBE I WON'T.

On a different note: earlier today I found the greatest list of possible misconceptions. Of what I've read, I knew a handful. But I'm still reading. Lists like this just really make my day better, though. In particular, the flat earth myth is interesting to me, since I was definitely taught that this was a prevailing attitude in the Middle Ages.

Lastly: I was only 50% on my NFL wildcard predictions. I picked both the Saints and Colts to win, and of course neither did. I very seriously considered picking a Seahawks upset, but talked myself out of it. I'm not quite sure how I feel about a losing team not only being in the play-offs, but beating the defending champs... I mean, as a Falcons fan, I like that the Saints lost, but still. Should the play-off system be re-worked? Do losing teams really deserve a chance in the post-season? Perhaps the Seahawks can sway my opinion, but right now I'm undecided.

Strokes of Genius

The wheel's pretty great. Gets your car where it needs to go. Allowed you to go through that skateboarding phase in middle school. Cooks your Hot Pocket relatively evenly in the microwave.

The telephone, that's pretty clutch. Allowed business to be conducted before email. Employs millions of call-center peons. Paved the way for sexting.

The computer? Well, it's awesome. Without it, we'd still be painting Wite Out over our typos and may never have discovered Tetris.

But these inventions are so ubiquitous, it's like we don't even notice them anymore. They're old hat, taken for granted. What about the stuff we're still marveling at? Or at least, the stuff I'm still marveling at. Liiiiike:

Shazam. It's not the app I use the most often, but it might be the one that impresses me the most with its existence. Three seconds of holding my phone high up in the air in a moderately quiet bar and suddenly I know what song I need to download when I get home? Are you kidding me? Anything that facilitates fewer moments of "Ugh who the hell sings that song??" works for me. It's some kind of high-tech Harry Potter magic.

The DVR. As someone who was programming VCRs to record TV shows when she was probably four, I have embraced the DVR with wide-open arms. I don't even know what time things come on anymore, because what does it matter? I can spend my prime-times doing anything I want, knowing that I can come home to a DVR full of the night's most excellent programs or guiltiest pleasures.

Cups that get smaller at the bottom so they fit in standard cup-holders. I'm a fan of Diet Coke, if you weren't aware, and 12 oz., 20 oz., it's just not always enough. Sometimes I have to dip into the QuikTrip for a 32+ oz. cup of ice-cold fountain Diet Coke, and we all know what happens when you're forced to hold your Big Gulp between your legs. Bad news. These tapered plastic drink receptacles are crucial to my continued happiness.

Smartphones in general. The iPhone is my KoolAid of choice, but it's really the ability to prove someone wrong when they insist that Steve Guttenberg was, in fact, the star of Top Gun, and I cannot simply let this kind of egregious error stand, even at 2 a.m. when we're kind of drunk in a bar. The iMDB app is key for this very purpose.

Flip flops. We probably do take this blessed style of footwear for granted, but you've seen those old illustrations of Bible times and stuff. They're all wearing Birkenstocks. I mean, I went through a Birk phase just like everyone else in my suburban high school, but I'm thankful that somewhere along the line someone thought to stick some fabric between the big and second toe and invent the other kind of thong.

There's some pretty cool stuff out there. Now if only someone would figure out how to cook Hot Pockets all the way evenly. Relatively isn't going to cut it in 2011. Let's get the greatest minds of our generation on this.

Movie Night

It's not a podcast day quite yet, but there's still plenty on the internet for your listening (and viewing) pleasure.

As featured nearly everywhere:



As featured elsewhere, including on my Facebook page, so if you're Facebook friends with me, feel free to fast forward, so to speak:



As created for Funny Or Die:

Don't you love funny internet videos? What did we do during work before they existed? Actual work? Don't make me laugh.

Promises, Promises

Everybody says they're going to eat healthier. Gyms are being joined by people who will almost certainly never go back. People are sneaking cigarettes they swear will be their last. It's resolution season.

Entertainment Weekly and the AV Club have written about their pop cultural resolutions for 2011. I have a few of my own.

1. Catch up on shows I know I would like but have been putting off, like Fringe and Community.
2. Similarly, catch up on shows I know I would like but have been putting off because they’re no longer on the air and all I’ve got is time, like The Wire and Battlestar Galactica.
3. Finish the disc of The West Wing I’ve had out from Netflix since October. In the same vein, maybe stop keeping Netflix DVDs out for months at a time? No? Too lofty of a resolution?
4. Read a couple of books? I don’t know. I used to be literate, I swear, and one day I can be again. I just need to narrow down the several-feet-high stack of books I'd like to read to a more manageable set and get to it.
5. You hear a lot about pop cultural blind spots, and I have many. I’m not at all well-versed in video games, graphic novels, current literature, many different genres of music, etc etc etc. I'm sure I could make more amusing observations and offer more incisive, witty commentary if I had more of a passing familiarity with some of these things.
6. Judge not those who watch reality TV outside of Top Chef, because I have my fair share of bad taste myself. Or if I must judge (which, let’s face it, I must), at least judge quietly.
7. Actually commit to the Dawson’s Creek blog I’m intermittently so excited about and so annoyed by. My snarky skills need sharpening, anyway.

So there. I'm not making promises to myself I can't keep. Well, okay, next January I may still be vowing to someday watch the entire run of The Wire. It's been this long, after all. I can only hope I'll have returned that West Wing disc, though. I mean, dude. It's been three months. It's getting kind of ridiculous.

i was going to make a legitimate post...

but that was before death came.

Morning Sickness

I've been sick all morning. Pretty sure it has something to do with the previous post. LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE, NATALIE. The manifestation of my illness determines how I intend to conquer it, which is sort of DUH. Today is a little "stomach virus"; this of course is a catch-all, and not in anyway diagnostic. Typically I just try to wait these out. No food, no water until I get a feeling that it's really made its way out.

I've been awake since 8am and it's now close to 1pm, and I still feel shitty.

Ugh

Week 16 in the NFL was the worst for my predictions: I went 8-8. Yesterday was better at 10-6. My little experiment started on week 12, and my overall record over those 6 weeks is 63-33, which is not too bad. Maybe next season I'll finally take the plunge into fantasy football...

Anyway, that's all I have for today. Blech

Heart Breaker

In between some holiday people celebrate known as “Christmas” and the countdown to the end of the world celebration known as the “New Year” some depressing news in the geek/nerd world surfaced. Natalie Portman is not only engaged but also pregnant. Natalie has been the number one lady on my "celebrities I am allowed to sleep with" list for about the last ten years so this news was a little rough for me. If you are hearing it here first let me be the first to offer you my condolences.

Let’s start with the fiancé, Benjamin Millepied. The last name makes it sound like he will have as many legs as pi has numbers. I am not one who can really take shots at last names so let us move on. Really the geeks of the world didn’t stand a chance going head to head with a French ballerina. Yea, we lost to a French ballerina. If you really think about it there is no shame in losing to a well traveled, physically fit, limber French man in a battle for a lovely lady. Damn.

Natalie must have known the time was coming so she decided to give us a sending off by being in a movie where she makes out with Mila Kunis. When I heard the news about the scene in Black Swan I figured I would be the first one in line being that both are on my list of five. Then I heard the movie was about ballet. Like all elitist, stubborn, American males, I am deathly allergic to ballet. Maybe I will just Netflix it one drunken night.

I will have to consider dropping Natalie Portman a few pegs. Hmmm, I did hear Scarlett Johansson is single. In all seriousness, I wish Natalie and the Millepied a healthy two-legged child and a swift painless divorce!